10 years

I thought about putting this blog off until tomorrow (New Years eve), but then I realized that I've been putting off blogs a lot and then they simply haven't been happening.

Before too long, it will be 2010. Until recently, I almost forgot that this had significance. I guess the decade following the big 2000 is almost guaranteed to be overlooked. But no, 2010 is significant- just like any other decade such as the 90s, the 80s... and so on. There is so much culture that revolves around our decades- like if we're describing older music or movies we describe them with the decade. Each decade has it's own unique impressions and culture attached to it.

And we're about to say good bye to the one we've been in for 10 years and hello to a brand new one.

The '00s is/was, I think, a very significant decade for me. I think it was probably equally significant for other people my age- who started their teen years and became adults in this time period. Maybe my perception will change as I experience more decades, but I think this one will stand out.

When it became the year 2000, I was a home schooled 8th grader. I was bored and (since I did my schoolwork on my own time) a seasoned pro at procrastination. Due to the fact I was obsessed with anime at the time and didn't attend school, most of my friends were online. Due to a breakdown of sorts from my 6th grade year, I was anxious about the idea of being around kids my own age. Nevertheless, I was bored and I wanted to get out of the house more, so I committed myself to the idea of returning to public school for high school.

My mother told me that I could return to home schooling anytime and my brother told me that if I needed friends to hang out with, I could hang out with his friends. But, luckily, I never needed to return to home school and I only really met my brother's friends once. After a month long period or so of spending my lunchtimes with a kind of creepy group of people, I joined the group that I pretty much stuck with for the rest of high school.

As a kid who was bullied in elementary school and then spent junior high being home schooled, I was really nervous when interacting with my peers. I rarely made eye contact. I was 6th period drama class with my brother and I spent most of the class just sitting and watching the classmates walk around and talk to each other. Looking back, I think the high level of interaction terrified me. It got better when I had people in the class to talk to (Rachel and Dusty.)

2001 came and it was hectic. My (step)grandfather had cancer starting near the end of 2000 and my family was basically going through the chaos that -always- happens when someone is in the hospital for a long period of time. I was the only person in my family too young to visit him in ICU until Sam's family visited and I had him for company. He died in February and soon after, my grandmother's health failed. She spent her last few months in a convalesce hospital. After she died there, I had reoccurring, detailed dreams about the place that would always really distress me.

It was in the last of my "convalesce hospital" dreams where I was really upset and a woman came up and talked to me and I felt better- this was the first time I had a vision of who I wanted to be when I got older. After that, those dreams finally stopped.

During the summer of 2001, my parents divorced. At the time, I didn't really pay much attention to what I was feeling because I was more concerned with the feelings of the people around me. It wasn't until years later when I realized the effects that this change in my life had on me and I'm still discovering them.

As a teenager, most people seem to try to distance themselves from their parents and become more independent- I did the opposite. I focused on trying to strengthen my own relationships with my parents. I felt like it was bad timing to do the whole rebellious "teenager" thing. Watching things fall apart made me want to focus on putting whatever I could together.

Another significant event of 2001, of course, was 9/11. As terrible as that event was, it was kind of ____ (I wouldn't say "nice", but I can't think of a better way to say it) to feel that what I was going through was the same as everyone else in the country. Unlike the deaths of my grandparents and my parents' divorce, it was a grief and tragedy that could be shared by all. (I'm not saying at ALL that this was a good thing.)

I remember my feeling of unity being significantly fractured when the general population seemed to have switched their energies towards anger. Perfectly innocent people in the US were harassed due to their heritage and that was just the tip of the ice berg. I remembered watching the bombing in Afghanistan on TV and feeling absolutely none of the satisfaction (of vengence???) that I thought I was supposed to feel. Instead I just wondered "why?"

9/11 caused me to start thinking about politics, current events, etc. for the first time in my life. I feel like to this day, a lot of my opinions can be traced back to what I thought and how I felt around the time of those attacks.

Because of both my parents' divorce and the attacks, it became very important to me to want to learn to understand that thoughts and feeling of people on every side of a conflict- regardless if they were something I would disagree with or disapprove of.

My goal in high school was always to never let the kinds of things that other kids obsessed over become my life, but there was more to it- I wanted to learn how to communicate confidently with people, I wanted to do more than pretend to have myself together, I wanted to become someone that no one would have to worry about, and, most importantly, I wanted to learn to like myself.

So, I spent a lot of my high school years in my head. Sorting through things, organizing, and trying to throw things out. My mind was a chaotic mess and, to this day, I am glad that I took the time to do the housekeeping.

Little by little, with the help of theater and classroom debates, I became better and better at talking to my peers and became a little more outgoing. I tended to be a little depressed and I didn't really care much about my grades or appearance. Then one day in junior year, I had a revelation of sorts that ended my depression and I started to try harder to achieve things. I became a lot more cheerful and talkative, too.

The summer before my senior year (2003), I went to Japan for the first (two) time(s). The Salinas Kushikino sister city association was the first time I interviewed for anything and I felt good about myself when I was chosen. (Although one kid was mean and told me that I was only chosen because someone else she knew couldn't go.) It was a very inspirational trip for me- going to Salinas' sister city made me want to move to Japan and teach English and visiting Hiroshima helped me make sense of my post-9/11 feelings towards war.

Hiroshima made me feel like pain and destruction doesn't need to be countered with more of the same thing, but can instead be used as experience needed to be constructive. I felt extremely motivated to help spread what I learned, but then back in the US, I felt my ambition crushed by people who had a different opinion and my own lack of self confidence was too afraid to try to recover the pieces to put back together. It really hurt to have something that I was really passionate about treated that way. It's because of that, to this day, I have a lot of trouble talking about things that are really important to me.

Meanwhile, my desire to teach English in Japan still thrived. I continued studying Japanese. I already knew I wanted to take part in the JET programme. I told people that afterward I would probably move back to the US and become a Japanese teacher, but I never entirely felt like that I was what I really REALLY wanted to do.

Senior year of high school was a kind of crazy time for friends. There was a lot more drama that year than in previous years. I realized that our friendship was mostly based off of just laughter and goofiness and that, in reality, these friendships didn't help me feel better about myself. So, as the year drew to a close, I learned that almost everyone I hung out with was going to Hartnell, I decided to go to MPC instead. Best. decision. ever.

Sure enough, the lack of proximity to the old high school friends pretty much disintegrated all interaction. MySpace came about around this time, but really it was inevitable. I was sad at first and talked a lot about it to Danny. During the spring semester of 2005, Danny and I met Bethany and Krystina in our English class. The four of us became a super tight group of friends.

Krystina and Bethany (they'll notice the order of their names, so I should make sure to switch) are quite possibly the best friends I've ever had. I don't want other good/best friends of the past to see that and to feel bad, though- but hanging out with them (even in stressful times) has always been a positive thing. I have a good life long friendship and I refuse to ever lose touch with that person, but that was built upon lots and lots of not-so-good things I shouldn't mention here and lots of energy that I put out for the sake of that person. I have no resentment and I am glad I did it, however- but the friendship had very little room for issues or things I was going through. My high school friends (blame lack of maturity, I guess) didn't exactly make me feel like I was important or wanted. Unlike all of those experiences, it was always positive, fun, and uplifting to hang out with Bethany, Krystina, and Danny.

This groups value to me was tested and proved when Krystina suddenly had to move up to Washington around New Years 2007- it was a hectic and emotional three days that left me both emotionally and physically drained. I was actually unable to function properly for the next 24 hours or so (no joke ^^;). But unlike the high school friends who I lost contact with by just going to another school, we kept in touch. Bethany went to study at Oxford for a semester and we're still just as much friends as we always were. Because of this, I wasn't afraid of losing their friendship by moving to Japan. In fact, I probably talk more to Krystina than to any other person on Earth these days.

That year, 2007, Aya came to live with my family to study at North Monterey County High School and I started going to CSUMB majoring in Japanese. During this time, I was just kind of rolling with the direction my life was going in (Japanese major, wanting to do JET) and nothing was too extraordinary about that time. I started applying for JET around November 2007 which was the most stressful application process EVER and has forevermore made me unfazed by application processes (...I hope.)

Deciding to move to Japan kind of came with a long term worry(?) that I had most of my life that I had to conquer a little bit each and every of the 4 times I visited Japan previously. I've always had a sort of guilt in leaving people behind. In elementary school, I always worried that something would happen to my friend if I went out of town and after my parents' divorced, my dad had a weird blacking out episode and my brother had to take him to the hospital while I was out of town. Although I liked going to Japan, I always kind of felt like it was a selfish thing for me to do.

I don't really have a lot of a "sense of self" to begin with. I didn't get good at liking myself as much as I do now until I started almost regarding myself as another person. I felt like it was a very big thing for me to do something "selfish" that I wanted to do ENTIRELY for myself. The people around me, of course, friends and family alike were very (almost overwhelmingly) encouraging.

I moved to Japan in the summer of 2008. I figure it's just like me to take such a big leap as going from living with my mother to living alone in a foreign country. It was very tough, stressful, and often lonely, but because I spent so much time in my head in high school and, through many years of hard work, grew to love myself, I always knew even in the worst times that I would get through it.

This time in Japan was also very good for my confidence- so much that I've even picked up my previously discarded passion from my visits to Hiroshima, reassembled it stronger than ever, and I'm planning on going to grad school to learn how to use it.

...But grad school's in the next decade.

2000 to 2009, thank you very very very much for everything. The highs, the lows, the boring middle points, keeping time fast enough to stay entertained, and slow enough to grow and learn.

things you probably didn't know

1) I like a lot of pop songs when they are covered by people with just vocals and perhaps a piano or a guitar a lot better than the originals. I guess the "pop" elements are just kind of distracting for me and sometimes kind of annoying. A good example being Lady Gaga- I think her songs are ok, but I absolute LOVE some covers I found on youtube of her songs. Most currently and notably, this one! You might recognize this guy as the one who made a cover of Glee's ([much better] cover of Journey's song) "Don't Stop Believing". Actually, I was meaning to show Bethany this youtube account because there's a webseries on there called "College Musical" (as well as other really good covers, etc.)

2) At any given time, I probably have about two or three crushes. They're not anything I take seriously, but instead I just enjoy the fun, goofy aspects of having crushes. Come to think of it, I think I only have one right now. Anyway, these guys are never much more than yet another excuse to feel like a dork.

3) I figured out how to make paper snowflakes today. Virtual snowflakes are much easier to make look pretty, but it's fun to actually do it yourself. I don't really know why I never tried before.

4) I intend to continue this list and repost it with more super fun facts(!!). ....I don't know if that will actually happen. Right now, I have to get to bed.

go go (stop and smell the roses) and GO!

I finished my application to grad school today and submitted it over the internet.

I realize that I haven't even really directly mentioned grad school on this blog... which is a definite sign that the way I use blogs is very different from how it was.

The application was a bit stressful to pull together- especially trying to figure out the quickest way to get transcripts from MPC and CSUMB from another country. There is really no urgent hurry, but I want to know for sure about grad school (MIIS) before I decide for sure about not staying in Japan another year.

(I am about 98% sure now that I'll be moving back to the US this summer either way.)

The whole transcript craziness might be over now, but I am waiting to know for sure.

The application process made me remember how much a thrive from being stressed and busy. I used to know this feeling well when I was a student, but the ALT life very rarely feels hectic or busy.

Even now with nothing to do, the "high" from getting things done earlier has yet to fade. I am just sitting here in this desk and I might seem outwardly content, but I'm inwardly restless. I'm glad to have things done, but I kind of feel like I want more.

I had a dream that I was back in the US and going to grad school. It seems my brain is so stuck in the future that I don't even dream in the present. I was like this before I moved to Japan- I didn't really feel like I could get into anything because my mind was already moved onto the next step.

So... once I am sure that everything for my grad school app is taken care of, I'm going to try to refocus on where I am now and enjoy it.

the climb

When you're a child, very few things are more enticing than a playground structure that towers high above the ground.

As you progress higher and higher towards the top, the desire to stand at the top and look down at the view only grows more and more.

But then, this way of feeling isn't something you grow out of... at least not in your early 20s.

Then one day you're 23 years old and you're walking up the stairs to your apartment. You realize suddenly that you're doing the exact same action that you found exciting and fun before, but you've done this action time and time again and found it really bothersome and dull.

Elevators... escalators... so many things people do to avoid climbing, but many people go out of their way to climb.

So confused.

Why I am, like, super cool

This morning, I was full of dread. I had a class today with the elementary school teacher that I've had the worst experience with so far. The guy never used me in class, so basically I would end up standing there watching and listening as he relied on the bad recordings from the software that comes with the textbook and speaking to the students in his own terrible English.

Last month, after my last class with him, I actually got fed up with this and complained to the vice principal before I left. This was going to be my first time going to that school since then.

'What approach will the vice principal take?' I wondered as I drove to the school.

I decided that I didn't want a confrontation or apology- I decided that if a meeting was calling between me, him, and the vice principal, I would try to redirect it to something more productive like talking about how I can contribute to the class.

I got to the school about an hour and a half before the class I had with that teacher. They told me to get there early, which made me think there was a meeting, but the teacher's room was empty. This gave me time to think and I decided what I was going to do. The bell rang and teachers started coming back into the teacher room. I engaged in small talk with them to warm up my Japanese so that I could speak as eloquently as possible to the teacher I had issues with.

Finally, five minutes before the class, that teacher walked in and came up to me. I asked him to explain the lesson plan to me. Then, I began telling him bit-by-bit all of the things I can do to play an active part in the lesson- including explaining why it would be more beneficial/helpful to the students. Perhaps my Japanese wasn't perfect, but he understood and I was able to play an active role in the class. It wasn't perfect, but I left the class in a good mood and I think the kids enjoyed it a little bit, too. (And the teacher got to learn some correct English phrases... :) )

I am not sure if the vice principal said anything to him, but I am very glad that I was able to work my way through this in a mature, polite, yet direct way. It's so hard to have issues with people in this country because it can be really hard to balance "politeness" with "directness" in this culture.

At one point, we were doing an activity where he had to ask me a question and I would answer it. I wrote the question he had to ask on the board as if I were doing it for the students, but actually I was doing it just as much. There is an art to being subtle and I wish I mastered it to this extent every day. (....actually, I think I am generally pretty good at that.)

During the next period, I got to join in on a music class with 3rd graders. I attempted to play a song on the recorder with them and tried to sing along with Japanese songs I have never heard before in my life. At one point, the kids had to tally up scores and I actually helped a girl with her math- IN JAPANESE! Crazy, right?

I had lunch with 4th graders and I told the group I was eating with that my brother used to try to get various beverages to come out of nose when I was a kid. I tried to make that happen with the kids sitting around me as they were drinking milk. After everyone hurriedly emptied their milk cartons when I wasn't looking, I entertained them with my ever-growing repertoire of silly facial expressions. (I'm always a little surprised by the number of people who are impressed by them!)

After that I had a class with 6th graders, which was also a very good class.

All in all it was a pretty good day.

Krystina, Bethany- I know it's only been a few days, but I miss chatting with you guys. :) Although you only would have heard me complain all day on Thursday (my time.)

Oh, and hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving. Sorry, I'm just not in the right country to think of that.

after a while, crocodile

It's Sam's birthday (in the US) and what better time than this to chronicle my lifetime aversion to crocodiles.

This applies to alligators, as well. I've been told a few times what the difference between alligators and crocodiles is, but I keep forgetting. For some reason, I figure alligators are a little less creepy than crocodiles- so this blog is about crocodiles.

Ready... set... and GO!

So I was reading an article earlier today talking about fossils that were found in the Sahara of different never before discovered species of crocodiles that once existed. Anyway, the article was in interesting, but somewhere inside of me I felt a feeling I've had from long ago return to me.

I think crocodiles are really terrifying animals. I would have to say that they would probably be near the top of the list of "animals I never want to be near in any kind of circumstance". I guess (like many of my childhood fears), it started from watching something on TV.

Note that I have -never- lived anywhere with crocodiles. Or alligators, for that matter.

(I just searched alligator to find out where those live and just a picture scared the crap out of me. OK- alligators are equally terrifying. From here, this blog will be equally about alligators.)

Ahem... as I was saying. I don't think I've ever even been in an area that has crocodiles or alligators before- and I can't say I really want to.

Most people are afraid of sharks- which makes sense, but really you're safe from them if you just stay out of the water. Crocodiles and alligators can swim and crawl... and alligators can climb trees, too- I can barely do that.

Imagine you're running from an alligator or a crocodile and you're not sure which kind it is, so you don't know whether you can climb a tree to escape or not. o_O (I'm kidding)

OK- so I can pretty much dismiss scary sea animals with the same argument that I used with sharks.

Mammals can be scary animals, but since we are mammals too and most of our domesticated animals that we can develop friendships with are as well, you can predict them a little easier because their mannerisms are familiar.

Birds are just ridiculous. They creep me out sometimes, but they are nowhere as creepy as the reptile family.

Crocodiles. Alligators. They just float there, blending into things and ALL OF THE SUDDEN THEY ATTACK!

"In land they can catch you running. they have even eatean pet dogs. "

.... D:>

These animals have to be the only ones that can totally creep me out just thinking of them.

If you know of a more terrifying animal, let me know- I can't think of one.

(Earlier today, I keep wanting to type "crocolate" instead of "crocodile" for some reason... weird. Guess I had chocolate on the brain.)

6 years

Hello,

My name is Julia's Blog and I am writing this today because Julia apparently can't be bothered to.

Yesterday (today in California), November 16th, marks 6 years since Julia first started blogging. Since then, she's switched blogging sites a few times before ending up here almost 2 years ago. Wow, has it really been that long? You would think that with all of the neglect I have been getting, I've had lots of time to reflect on the time that has passed since I was created. Despite everything, time has gone by very fast.

I don't know whether to be jealous, Julia's last blog was a literal record of her life- every finals week, every cold, and just about every fun outing with her friends can be accounted for within those pages. I don't know why, but I have been used more so for passing thoughts and other things not particularly attached to any particular time. Which of these is a better kind of blog? I suppose I can't really say I know for certain and it doesn't do me a lot of good to think about it anyway. I can't change what I am used for.

This being an anniversary, there ought to be an element of celebration to this. Julia being uninspired (and tired) and myself not a sentient being, this is the best we can do for you right now.

Fireworks!

Enjoy!

Dear Japan (an open letter)

Dear Japan,

You'll probably never read this. This letter would probably be lost among thousands of odes, articles, web pages and other publications about you.

This is not a goodbye letter, but rather just an explanation of what's been going on in my head for some time now. You know, to make sure we're on the same page.

I put a lot of my time into you for a very very long time. I've spent most every summer since the end of high school either going to Japan or doing something else Japan related like hosting a student. In return, you've been great to me- you even eventually set me up with a great job with good pay and excellent benefits during a time that most people my age are struggling financially.

I'd say in terms of relationships between a person and something that's not technically human, I'd say we've had a very wonderful, amazing friendship. Although you've probably never particularly noticed me, I've benefited a lot from knowing you.

I started all of this as much a fanatic. People could not say anything bad about you in my presence without getting me angry or defensive. As time flew by I came to know you better and better and I realized that I didn't need to protect you. I came to see your less than admirable points and accepted them. My interest in you became much more balanced.

I moved to your country soon after that happened. I thought that maybe I would skip the "culture shock" period of adapting to the new life due to the fact I already knew many of the shortcomings of your society. Nevertheless, it still happened- I went through a period in which I easily got annoyed at everything. Through it all, however, I never believed that it meant I ever hated or disliked you.

I still like you a lot, Japan, but I don't feel like I can live my life revolving around you anymore. You've done so much for me, but there is so little I can do for you. You have pretty much everything you need except English skills and there are sooo many people in line at this very moment who want to do that for you.

There's a big world out there and I feel like there are a lot of things I can do for it. In the long run, maybe you might benefit a little from what I can do for the world. If it works out that way, I will be glad.

I'm expanding myself and backing away from you a bit (in fact, I've already backed away in many ways), but know that I don't want you out of my life.

When I move back to the US, I don't want it to be the last I see of you. I want to see you many, many more times, but just maybe not the following year or even the year after. It definitely won't be the way it was before. I want to keep learning your kanji and I want to keep practicing Japanese. I wonder, however, is it possible to hang onto you just a little bit? Would you fade out of my life entirely without me realizing it? I suppose I have no way of knowing.

Your friend,
Julia

Candles

Happy Birthday to me.

I felt a little bit impatient for my birthday to come this year, I think I felt much the same way last year, but it's not so much looking forward to the birthday itself.

I spent at least half year before now feeling like there is no way I could possibly still be 22 years old. I felt so much older and although weeks and months seem to fly by so quickly, years still seem to take their time.

My birthday felt like vindication- finally I can officially be a little bit closer to the age that I feel.

Which is why what happened last weekend surprised me a bit.

My adult English conversation class took me out for lunch to celebrate my birthday. Of course, a few of the ladies were kind enough to bake cakes for me. So, at one point they were putting the candles on one of the cakes.

23 candles, I confirmed. Yes, I was going to be 23 years old.

So I watched the candles be put on the cake.

'They are being put on too close to each other.' I thought, but kept it to myself.

The candles circled the perimeter of the cake, keeping the same distance that I had believed was too close to possibly work. I had kind of a gnawing feeling somewhere within as I watched almost unable to tear my eyes away. To my bafflement, the way that the candles were spaced out worked perfectly.

I counted the candles to myself, in awe of how many there were. Sure enough, it was 23.

(It had been a few years since I last had a birthday cake with candles, I realized.)

Mid-class thought

So today I was teaching in my least favorite of my 5th grade classes. I don't quite know why but this particular school seem to have a lot more bratty children than other schools that I go to.

In this class, there's one boy in particular who manages to get on my nerves a lot. Sitting near him, his female classmate seems to find his antics funnier than anything on Earth and is eager to jump in on it.

I was a 5th grade girl once and I'd have to be more dense than Osmium to not know that she has a crush on that boy.

So easily I could end this nonsense by asking her in the middle of the class out loud if she likes him.

So easily I could use preteen awkwardness and peer pressure to make the 5th grade classes a little more bearable.

But I didn't and I won't.

Why?

Because I was once a 5th grade girl and it would be downright evil.

Kind of random

I'm posting this with the assumption that the people who read this blog are people who love me.

Here's a list I suddenly decided to write of the things I want to with my life (at this time, anyway... this list will probably change bit by bit.)

- learn to portray myself better to people who don't know me so well
- take part in making the lives of less privileged people around the world a little better.
- always be moving, changing, growing, and marching to my own drum.
- take an active stand against nuclear weapons and other war methods that harm innocent civilians (or at least be on the team or staff of someone who is).
- learn how to express my thoughts and tell stories well. (And confidently)
- adopt a child (children?) instead of having my own. I just really feel when the time comes, there will already be a lot of children out there who need a safe place to live.-
become well known just enough so that I can go talk shows and tell some people to their faces that they are a**holes (although I'll put it in a slightly more civilized manner).
- learn how to make the people I talk to feel very important (put less importance on myself).
- be a mediator.
- take in foster children. Those kids are usually put through so much and are sometimes not the easiest to relate to, but I just want to be one of those people who are there for them anyway.
-become an amazing person

groggles

Ugggggh... I have a cold. It's not really a bad one- if there was something in particular I had to do or wanted to do, I could do it. But, besides a little bit of shopping to try to get a Halloween costume together, I can't think of anything in particular.

So I have been just sitting here all day at this computer. Watching a loooot of youtube.

Uggghh...

I've been entertaining myself by complaining about stupid things. I like doing that. With the head cold, the things I come up with to complain about are even more pointless and silly.

I kind of want to do something, but at the same time, I don't think I'll get better if I push myself too much today. Maybe I'll find a movie to watch. I watched Something Wicked this Way comes last night because I finished the book yesterday and I just happened to stumble upon the fact there was a movie. I liked the book --a lot-- better.

"achoo!" says my nose. I do not appreciate that comment.

"How dare you, nose!" I say and I slap it across it's face.

Except not.

The "Something Wicked This Way Comes" movie is from the 80s- for some reason quite a few of the movies I've watched lately are from that decade. I am not quite sure why. I guess I just don't care if a movie is old or not when I choose to watch it.

Where is this blog going?????

I want to post funny blogs again... or whatever those older blogs were. I almost spelled "blogs" as "brogs"- so Japanese. X(

I can't decide if I feel more gross or bored. -_-

About ambition and the like

I had a well written blog in my head just seconds ago, I even started using Google Notebook so that I could write it down before it goes away again. The ideas are still there but the structure has pretty much gone to hell. Let's see what I can reassemble.

Hm... it seems a lot of things seem structured in my mind, but aren't quite so when expressed to other people.

I have a lot of ideas about what I want to achieve in life, but I don't really know for sure if I can actually do these things. I don't know exactly where my limits are- I just know that day to day I go from believing I could conquer the Earth blindfolded to wondering how it is that I am breathing without choking.

Both of those extremes were exaggerated, of course.

(Although I'll admit to having choked on my own saliva a few times... *sigh*)

But I try to hang on to the same goals no matter how I am feeling about myself. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just change my goals to something easier- that way the thoughts that plague me at times that I can't be all that I want to be would not be a problem. I could do this, but the high ambition, high confidence side of me would never be happy with it.

That side wants to keep moving up until it finds just the right place. It does not want to stop at the ceilings set by the not-so-confident side or by other people. It wants to stop only when it reached the top of it's ability to climb- wherever that may be.

That side wants to prove the not-so-confident side and the not-so-confident people wrong.

"Wait..." someone might ask "People who are not so confident in you?"

I am not sure why I tend to believe that people don't see me as qualified. I have really no basis to believe this other than silly things like bullying during childhood. I can really only say that I think that part of the assumption is based on the confident/insecure dynamic in my mind. Something in my mind wants to prove itself and it somehow only makes sense to me that I would be proving something to someone else.

It helps me push myself along to believe that I need to prove something, but having a few choice people in my life to overwhelm me with their confidence in me is great for balancing that out. That's pretty much the way my life is now and I think it works well for me.

People also inspire me with their own strength and ambition- regardless if it's something that I could do easily, I still really admire people who keep trying at something even if it's difficult for them. I worked hard as a student, but I never quite had any challenges that seemed to impossible to solve.

Or maybe I have- I don't really take a lot of time to reflect on my achievements usually because I'm usually thinking about the next thing by then. As a consequence, I tend to think pretty little of them. They're just steps and there are large number of them ahead. Yes, it's possible I have been challenged like that, but I still think that I haven't. I -think- I would remember it.

Anyway--- the people who keep trying at things make me want to find and conquer my own blocks, but at the same time, they make me afraid that I would instead walk away from said "blocks" and pretend they don't exist. I get discouraged and afraid of failure. I am a pro at talking myself into things and I am even better at talking myself out of things. It's possible that I might just come across the road block and decide it's just not worth trying to pass and then coming up with a different route. I know what I might whine, complain, and consider giving up, but I like to think that in the end I would suck it up and give a good effort. Then, if I fail... be a vegetable for a day, a week, or until I can come up with a new plan.

Either way, I guess I'll be fine. Even the part of me that lacks confidence doesn't believe I will ever be down and out for long.

I have a bit of a dislike for metaphors, so I am inwardly cringing as I continue to rely on them in this blog entry.
I also don't like how my vocabulary seems to have escaped me at many points while typing this. I'm feeling a tad too stubborn to consult a thesaurus, so sorry for that.
I kind of feel like I am reiterating the same things over and over so, I think I'll end this entry here.

hats are for everybody

I want to build something with gigantic Styrofoam blocks. Curse adulthood.

I got an idea from a vlog I watched some time ago although I am not sure how well it would work for me. Basically, you go through the alphabet and write a blog about something you like starting with each letter of the alphabet.

Maybe I'll try that. I've been tired lately, so it's been hard to even get myself to start listing things.

Gravity seems to be working on overdrive today, I saw someone trip and/or fall for the 5th or 6th time today. It's a wonder I am still standing.

Obviously, this was a boredom induced blog, but I am really too tired to really make it into anything.

I just want to get myself back into this... even if it means posting some really uninteresting and probably hard to read entries.

Bethany, sometimes you make me want to join Livejournal again. Weird.

(all of my blogs this month have had titles starting with "H")

Here and there

My brain was basically filled to the brim with blog ideas for most of the day today, then I finally get around to logging in here and I draw a complete and total blank.

I would I could telepathically blog. Like if I could use a computer in my head anytime, anywhere.

Wow, I think I just chose my super power of choice. Screw teleportation! :)

It's been an uneventful weekend- other than a party I went to on Friday evening, I've spent pretty much the entire time sitting around at home, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. Tomorrow, I am planning on going to the city and shopping a little bit- it's a holiday, after all.

Tomorrow is also the Ijuin town sports festival, but (like last year) no one thought to invite me for anything, so I don't see any reason to go. So, I think I will go shopping tomorrow instead. Believe me, it will be a lot more appropriate for "Heath and Sports Day" than what I did last year- I spent the entire day in front of my computer.

The weather has been absolutely wonderful lately- I know I need to enjoy it while I still can. It's going to get very, very cold again soon, after all. The sky has been a pretty amazing blue color and the clouds have been awe inspiring (this, of course, coming from someone who LOVES clouds.)

Best of all, it's sweater weather. Sometimes I can even get away with wearing a light jacket or even just a short sleeved shirt- I LOVE weather that allows that much flexibility.

(Of course, I do, I'm from Salinas/Monterey...)

Sadly, it won't last.

My mood has been kind of odd these days, I've been feeling pretty good about myself appearance-wise- I've been experimenting with make up and just having fun with it. I honestly don't feel like I really need it, though. On the other hand (this is the odd part), my overall confidence is not exactly gone, but I'd say it's at least been tipped over onto it's side. My confidence feels a little ill, I guess. My Japanese flute, which I can barely put down after picking up usually hadn't been touched in days (I started feeling like I'll never get good at it) and just thinking about grad school is kind of freaking me out.

I'm still going to the gym across the street from my apartment- maybe not as frequently as I should be, but I do enjoy it. It's just across the street, so it's not a big deal to decide randomly to push myself to get over there at around 8:30 pm and exercise for about an hour. Having an ipod, of course, makes this 10 times easier.

This blog has been just about everywhere, so here's a random tidbit-

Apparently every blue eyed person can be traced genetically to one person who lived less then 10,000 years ago.

Hello window

Who reads this blog now?

I guess it's hard to remember to check when I update so rarely.

I posted kind of an odd sequence of tweets. It's funny how tweets are ALMOST like blogs, but they still lack so much. They're almost meaningless after you forget the details or stories behind them. So, here's a little meaning-

"Here's to that flaky thing we like to call self confidence."

Just a little while ago, I felt ready to attack grad school and eager to use it to learn all I need to move onto the next thing in my life. I have high aspirations. But lately, I've been doubting my ability. As bad as it could be, it won't make me give up. If I want to deserve something enough, I strive to become the kind of person that deserves it. Just... boy, I miss the confidence when it decides to take a break.

"Here's to traits you can always rely on- sense of humor and flexibility."

People exist in this world who lack those things... I've met people like that. I wonder how they can possibly cope with the crazy things in life. I don't know if I could do without them.

"Here's to this body that doesn't ever seem to do what I want it to do... yet it has done everything I've needed it to do."

Feeling sick, sore, and then having that-time-of-the-month. Oh, and acne doesn't exactly make me feel great about my image. I'm not as strong as I would like to be and it's hard for me to sit in proper Japanese "seiza" with my legs folded under my body. But my body did a marvelous job fighting off whatever I was suffering from earlier this week, it would be scary if I didn't have a time-of-the-month somehow, and breathing, eating, and walking seem to be doing just fine.

"Here's to annoying people with consecutive tweets."

I seem to think what comes out of my brain like this is interesting. I take care to remind myself fairly frequently that what is meaningful for me isn't necessarily what's meaningful for others. In terms of being meaningful, this was a really, REALLY meaningless tweet. :)

...I'm up too late tonight.

this blog starts in mid-sentence.

And just as she decided to get over herself and not worry about things while in this kind of emotionally crazed state, her body finally decided to adjust to the cold temperature of the room. The muscles became less tense and the body relaxed a little more.

The eyes still feel kind of sad, but still it was a somewhat miraculous recovery.

The Interview

Yesterday, I asked Bethany and Krystina to interview me via Google Documents.

The questions are in a bit of a funny order. I was going to organize them a bit better, but then decided not to bother with that.

Here it is--

Krystina Question: fav. class in school?

My current favorite class in school would have to be English- because that is the subject that I teach and therefore the only class I attend in any of my 6th schools. But, along with the Japanese lessons, I started taking Japanese dance with a bunch of Kagoshima city ALT girls. It's fun.

Bethany Question: What classes are you teaching right now? Any cute antics by your kids?

Well, most of my classes these days are showing the video I made from my trip to California last July. It's interesting to watch their reactions.

Bethany asked: Well I mean, what grades are you teaching?

Krystina asked: or what's your favorite grade to teach?


Mostly middle school, but tomorrow I have elementary school 3rd graders. We're going to play Duck Duck Goose. My favorite grade to teach depends on how tired I am and how much I want my arms to be a jungle gym.

My arms are sunburned, so jungle gym is a no right now.

Bethany question: Who's Yacht did you go on the other day?

The Yacht event was a sort of international event put on by a city up North from here. I forget the name of the owner of the ship I was in... there were maybe 10 ships total.

Krystina question: What is the absolute worst thing you have to do as an ALT? And what got sunburned?

Try to get conversation out of painfully silent kids. I can't think of anything else now. At least that I can say here.

I got light sunburns on my arms, shoulders, and legs- but the most vicious is the one on my right shoulder. It's probably my worst sun burn ever.

Krystina question: Favorite food from Japan? Food you miss the most from home? and favorite food from home?

I've been craving tempura. My overall favorite food is, hands down, Mexican food. Was there any doubt? OH! Recently a Brazilian themed bar called Recife in Kagoshima city started having Mexican Mondays and Wednesdays. It's AWESOME!

The cook on those days is actually from Mexico. I had awesome enchiladas a few weeks back.

Bethany Question: How did the Red Rover game go?

Hasn't happened. I put down Duck Duck Goose along with that and let them choose. They chose Duck Duck Goose. That will be tomorrow.

Bethany question: How are the dance classes going?

It's fun. Some of it is pretty challenging, though. Especially because a new part of the dance we learned on Monday includes sitting gracefully on our knees in kimono.

Krystina question: Whats your second favorite color?

When I decide my favorite color is green, my second is blue. When I decide that my favorite is blue, it's green. Otherwise, I have no clue.

I should have said something you wouldn't expect. ;)

Krystina question: favorite computer game?

Ugggh.. my friend Robin has been trying to get me to play the game she's addicted to. She even made me make a character for myself. I don't think it's going to happen, though. I can't even remember what the game is called. She made my character join her... uhh.. what's that called... I'll just say group. So, basically, I'm just going to feed off of the group's resources if anything.


Bethany question: Have the kids liked the video you made?

It's really, really hard to tell. The dancing sea lion part probably blew their minds.

Bethany question: Do they laugh at all? Do they seem to enjoy it?

Yeah, laughter at some points. It depends a lot on how tired they are and now lively the class is. Some of the classes have been really great.

Krystina question: Longer hair or shorter, and red or normal?

Haha. Long-ish medium, naturally brown colored hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Open says me

Life has been pretty great lately. I am not entirely sure what came over me, but lately I've found myself a lot more open to trying new things and it's been a good experience so far.

I've ridden on a yacht, swam in the ocean (and got my foot cut several times on the rocky ocean floor), started taking Japanese dance and shamisen lessons. A few months ago, I probably wouldn't have taken part in any other those things- mostly out of fear of being terrible at them, but I've been finding myself willingly dragging myself to all of them.

I have also began speaking my mind more. I've been an ALT for a year now and I've kept a lot of things that really bothered me to myself- and now I'm talking about it more and to the right people. It's great not to just keep things inside.

On top of all of this, I've made a couple of good friends since coming back from my visit to California.

My second JET year seems so promising that it's making me reconsider returning to the US after this year. Being the indecisive sort that I am, I decided that I will make up my mind about this during winter when we get the re-contracting papers and the cold weather will probably have me at my lowest possible mood-wise. If my 2nd year low is bad, then I can decide whether I want to go through it again in a 3rd year.

Under all of this fun I've been having, I kind of feel like something is bothering me. I've been feeling sensitive- my feelings have been hurt easily, but I've been having equally speedy recoveries. I've also been pretty lazy about things around the apartment. To me, those are signs that something is wrong that I am not paying attention to.

I suppose that's all. Krystina and Bethany interviewed me via Google documents today and I will be posting that at some point (today? tomorrow??), too.

I forgot to give this a title.

I've been so overtired lately and I am not sure why.
This morning I skipped breakfast because I woke up too late and had to hurry.

On Monday, there was a work related health exam. 3 vials of blood were taken from me for testing and apparently the needle was put in improperly- two days later and my arm is still bruised.

I'm kind of excited because I am going to eat Mexican food for dinner tonight- a bar that's Brazil themed, but owned by a man from England has Mexican food nights every Monday and Wednesday. I guess someone from Mexico who is studying in Kagoshima has been doing that, so I guess it's going to be pretty much as authentic as one can get in Japan.I'm going there with Aya, Eli, and Robin. Robin might not be feeling well, so maybe it will just be me and Aya (and Eli???). Either way, it should be great. :)

I've also been kind of slacking on keeping my apartment clean. I really don't know why- it must have to do with the overall fatigue I've been experiencing this month.

Anyway, I'm really hungry from skipping breakfast. Going to see if the vending machine down stairs has anything semi solid.

California and returning

My trip to California was all that I expected and even a little better than that.

I've been working on putting together the movie from what I filmed on my camera during my trip. It's fun to relive it a little. Not to mention it gives me something to do.

I had a lot of quality time with family members and a good chunk of fun times with friends (including running around the MPC in the earliest hours of the 31st with the RftW crew.)

I also got to witness an odd little drama unfold due to thrown silverware in a Denny's.

It's been a little hard to be back. Living here with California so fresh in my mind, I notice things that get under my skin more. Like differences in what is acceptable in Japan vs in the US (people are always talking about Americans accidentally being offensive to Japanese, but it works the other way, too), assumptions that I don't understand things, and overall the isolation that comes with those things. It's hard to adapt.

But I do overall enjoy my life here even if it's not perfect. I tell myself over and over that how my life is in California and how it is in Kagoshima are completely different and one can never be the same as the other.

It's comforting to think this way because it helps me accept Japanese life as a completely different thing- outside of the standards I set for US life. On the other hand, it makes me worry that I can never be completely content in either place. One will always be missing aspects of the other.

It's happened almost everyday that one minute I was perfectly happy, feeling as if I am inwardly light and free as a feather. Then someone would say or do something that would put me in a rotten mood. I can't remember if this was standard behavior here before my two weeks in California, but I think it was similar.

I guess I'm overall content in Japan, but I am also a lot more sensitive than I am back in the US (for good reason, I think.) So, I've been playing with the idea of renaming my blog "Real Life Confessions of Happy Bruise"- because I am a cheerful person that doesn't react well to getting "poked at."

I also think that title just might be way too long... :S

Airplane blog vol. 3

What's it time for?

It's time for Julia's third annual summer midair blog!

Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(There is no enthusiasm...)

I am writing this on the final leg of my journey- I already arrived in Japan hours ago, but now I am flying down to Kagoshima. I already tweeted that I am here and everything.

I didn't really want to type this up during the flight over the Pacific because I didn't want to bother getting the bag down just for a blog. :S

I don't mind sacrificing a little more leg room in the domestic flights, so I have the laptop bag with me.

I am so completely tired.

During my long wait for this flight, I calculated how long it has been since I woke up in California and it came out to 30+ hours. Yikes.

(Edit- actually, the total travel time was about 24 hours... I am not sure how I came up with that 30+ number)

I DID sleep on the plane though! Without any assistance from sleeping pills- it wasn't very restful, though. Neck pain and drool (yes, drool) kept waking me up.

Oh joy.

Aren't you glad I feel pressured to write these things for your entertainment?

YOU SHOULD BE GLAD YOU JERKS!!!!!!!!!

My ears are popping. The stewardess is giving out drinks out and I think one of the options is a soup. Yaaaay! I could really use some nice, soothing soup right now.

My throat is bugging me. I am guessing my voice is rather hoarse right now, but I haven't been using it, so I don't know. I figure it's a mixture of the altitude and my fatigue. I can't really even think right now about whether that makes sense.

In fact, I was really impressed that I could spell altitude just now. The spell check is on and everything. There have been a lot simpler words that I have screwed up royally in this blog so far, so the fact I can get "altitude" right is pretty dang awesome.

I should go soon. Gotta get soup. I guess I can keep this on my lap while I drink it and tell you all about it afterward.

But she's not here yet. She's still making her way down the aisle. BRING ME SOUP!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!!

Ok, ok, I am guessing she went to the back of the plane to refill on stuff. Either that or she hates me.

I really want to be home sleeping now.

Anyway, I only have this short flight, a not-so-bad wait for a bus, an hour long-ish bus ride, the short walk home, and the shower that I am still determined to take.

Yay! She was just refilling her cart. Are you relieved? I'm not- I knew it would happen all along.

Don't look at me like that- I did.

DON'T JUDGE ME!

Nonsense comes easily when one is very very tired.

The cart is coming nearer. I'll put the lappy on my lap.

Beef consomme (????????) broth brings me back to LIIIIIIIFEEE!!!!

For now, anyway.

So the cart lady on my side of the plane was totally pwnd by the other cart lady. The cart lady on my side was just a few rows ahead, but the one on the other side asked me what I wanted first. It's kind of unusual for them to take orders from the other side, but maybe I just looked really close to passing out. I have no idea how I look.

This is a blog about drinking broth. It was pretty salty. I'm going to drink some water after I finish this blog.

You know what's crazy? My mom gave me $2 to buy bottled water after I got through security, but I ended up having to use my card because the cheapest I could find was $2.70!! I can't believe how much they abuse the fact that people can't bring water in from outside.

Japanese airports have vending machines just like everywhere else in Japan- I was able to buy a bottle of water for just 110 yen ($1.10 USD) past security. Airport shops in general are much less rip offs in Japan than in the US, I've noticed.

I do really like airports though. The big ones that are confusing are fun to figure out and the small ones are fun to stroll around. It's a hassle to carry so much though.

We got some turbulence and I am extremely tired and wanting water, so I'll end this here.

I'll probably blog about the CA trip. I can't think about that now.

Airport blog

This is not an airplane blog, but rather an airport blog.

Not written from the sky, but the ground.

Don't be sad, there just might be an airplane blog, too. Either now or on the way back (traditionally, my airplane blogs are on the flight from CA to Japan, so it'll probably be the way back.)

I am delighted right now because Kansai airport has free wireless internet. I didn't expect to be on a computer with internet again until California, so this was a pretty pleasant surprise. Before now, I've only heard of the cool airports that let you use internet for free and I've always wanted to end up at one.

I have over two more hours left to wait for my plane, so I am just hanging out here. I'm trying to figure out how much of my battery I should spare for the flight- but it doesn't really make sense to save lots of battery because, as I have stated in an airplane blog once, "there is no internet in the sky."Probably the only thing I would use this computer for would be to watch something I brought. I think I rememeber seeing some good stuff listed in the "in flight movies" list, so I think I should be ok with that.

Kansai airport is SO WEIRD to me. There are so many other foreigners and they're all speaking English and I don't know them!!!!! I started a conversation with another American woman who was behind me in line just because it was so weird for me to have to there and I wanted to talk to relieve the awkwardness.

....Is it going to be really REALLY strange to be back in the US?

I am hoping this visit to California gives me a bit of an idea of what reverse culture shock will be like next year when I move back.

I can already tell from this experience that it's going to be very sad for me to leave Kagoshima next year.

This is my first boredom induced blog in a while, come to think of it.

Airport blogs are very serious compared to airplane blogs. But equally scattered. Whoopee!

Parking spaces and dinosaurs

Yeah, it's a two blog night. I just thought of two different things I wanted to type about here.

In my very grumpy blog from the other day, I mentioned that I was told the parking space I thought was mine this entire time at my apartment building isn't actually the one I thought it was.

The next day, I got a letter from the building owners and I could tell that it was on the topic of the parking spaces, so I figured that they were just telling me what I already knew.

But, there seemed to be more to the letter, so I brought it into my Japanese lesson and let my teacher look at it.

It turns out that the space 55 has been erased, so the person who is assigned 55 has been parking in 54 (my actual space). The content of the letter was actually asking me if I had any complaints about my parking space being taken so much. But -I- had just barely learned about that spot the day before, so of course I had no issue with it.

My Japanese teacher called the company that owns my building and found out that the space I've been using (52) is unassigned to anyone. Of course, that's obvious because I've been parking there for almost a year with no complaints. Anyway, I told her to tell them that I would like to continue to park in 52 if that was acceptable and the person assigned to 55 could park in 54.

I don't know many details, actually, but I did get permission to park in 52 for now.

It was a pretty crazy mixup and I thought it was funny that I was asked if I had problems with the person parking in 54 just a day after I first parked there.

Now for the "dinosaurs" part of my post.

I realized recently that I've been making a pretty funny Japanese mistake for months now.

A way to say international exchange in Japanese is "kokusai (international) kouryuu (exchange/interaction).

Instead of "kouryuu", I've been saying "kyouryuu" which, I figured out recently, means "dinosaur".

"International dinosaur"

Giant Dipper

So, just now, I was just in the middle of my bi-weekly(-esque) nighttime power-walk which is, indeed, turning into a jog little by little.

(Yep, I'm still keeping up on the exercising... all on my own, too. Impressed?)

Anyway, I was walking along and I just happened to look up and immediately notice the Giant Dipper.

I was surprised because I never really casually looked up, noticed, and identified a constellation before. I've noticed them before, but never so quickly and easily. I looked a little more and quickly saw the Little Dipper and Orion's belt (kind of made out the rest of it that constellation, too).

Truthfully, I've never really been able to follow the idea of the imaginary lines connecting certain stars to make a picture. At that moment, I could practically see the lines in my mind.

Impressed and inspired by this, I suddenly had tons of energy and ran the rest of the way back to my apartment building.

(Then wrote one of my very rare blogs... *grins*)

As trivial as this is, I want to remember this as a very very cool moment of my life.

It's Friday night, I head back to California on Sunday for a two week visit.

Today

TMI (Too much information) warning issued. Read at your on risk.

Today sucked and here's why-

1) I woke up at around 2:30 in the middle of the night suddenly because I was incredibly overheated.

2) I woke this morning to find period blood on my sheets so I had to wash them this morning. Fortunately, this also happened yesterday morning, so I was able to do it quickly and easily.

3) I had 4 classes today with 2nd graders. It's been really hot lately and there is no AC in elementary school classrooms- so I had to be energetic while becoming increasingly covered in sweat, hot, and also cramping at times despite motrin that I took.

4) The last class finally ended and I was more than ready to return to the office. I wanted to use the office bathroom because the crouching floor toilets at the elementary school are absolute misery when it's hot, you're sweaty, and it's that time of the month. BUT- I had to wait quite a while to get my car out because it was boxed in. There was some kind of swim meet that no one told me about ahead of time, so parents' cars were blocking the way in every direction.

5) I got back to the office and learned that I was parking in the wrong space at my apartment building all this time. I guess the person from my office accidentally told me the wrong space number. My actual parking space sucks- if I went into more about why this parking space sucks, I would be rambling.

*SIGH*

It'll be nice when this day is over.

Julia ponders intangibility

From a chat I am having with Krystina--

[15:22] giuliafelix: I wonder if people who can make themselves intangible ever fall through the ground
[15:22] giuliafelix: like you're standing there
[15:22] giuliafelix: and you decide to make yourself intangible
[15:22] giuliafelix: so then you free fall into the ground
[15:22] Kshorsehick: bam!
[15:22] giuliafelix: and you can't get back up
[15:23] giuliafelix: you can't stop the falling by becoming tangible
[15:23] giuliafelix: because then you'd get stuck in the ground
[15:23] Kshorsehick: yeah
[15:23] giuliafelix: so you'd have to keep falling until you reached the surface of the other side
[15:23] giuliafelix: and then make yourself tangible
[15:23] giuliafelix: then you reorient yourself, stand on the ground
[15:24] giuliafelix: and then make yourself intangible
[15:24] giuliafelix: fall through again
[15:24] giuliafelix: and then you're home!

[15:27] giuliafelix: The powers of intangibility only make sense when you can fly.
[15:27] Kshorsehick: oh?
[15:27] giuliafelix: yeah
[15:27] giuliafelix: or else you fall through the ground
[15:27] Kshorsehick: oh

BLOG NEGLECT!!!

Not sure where the ol' blogging spirit went.

Come to think of it, I think that one of the reasons why I don't update this blog so much is the lack of interactivity involved. I tweet on twitter and I get replies, I talk to people on messenger and (of course) that's a conversation. There isn't really much conversation going on here, I don't think.

I think my blogs in the past had more in the of comment conversations and what-not.

I am not blaming you all, of course.

My arm is very very itchy due to my sunburn from last weekend. I don't know for sure, but I think something is up with my wrist now, too.

I know I've been in a good mood over all these days because songs have been popping into my head a lot lately.

I've been following tweets on twitter from Iranians risking their lives to keep people in other countries updated in what they're going through in their post election chaos. It's crazy what those people are going through these days. Of course, the talk of "martyrs" that's popped up a lot lately kind of freaks me out a little. I know from reading "Persepolis" that this isn't something new to them at all.

I don't know much about who would be best to lead Iran and that's not really my business, but I do hope that their struggle for a real democracy eventually comes to something. Reading the tweets, it's impressive how much courage these people have. Who really knows if everyday Americans have this kind of courage because it's never been tested.

Boy, this blog is jumping around just about everywhere. Probably mostly because I am not exactly writing it all in one sitting or with any focus whatsoever.

(That last sentence was also written with absolutely no focus...)

language

It doesn't seem like written word is coming quite as easily to me these days.

Is that a sign of the deterioration of my native language?

I seem to be expressing myself with pictures these days because I started a doodle blog that I share with other people.

Hopefully this is just a phase, it's scary to think that composing in English is getting to be difficult.

Broken windshield

Today I returned back to the teacher's room from 4th period a little earlier than usual. I was relieved that the class finished early because those 2nd graders were a very rowdy bunch and I kind of wanted a little bit of recovery time before rejoining the same kids for lunch.

No sooner than when I walked in the room with my mind on washing my hands and helping the teacher set up the lunch trays, I was asked to go to the principal's office. The principal started talking to me about my car and I assumed at first that I parked somewhere wrong or something.

When it dawned on me that what he was trying to explain to me was that my windshield was broken, I was really surprised.

It turned out, from what I understood, a student was trying to hit something in a tree with a stone and it accidentally fell on my windshield instead.

I wasn't mad at the student because kids make careless mistakes all of the time.

Anyway, they called the student in to come in and apologize- which he did. But then, the principal, vice principal, and his teacher were all trying to get him to tell us what exactly happened. This poor kid obviously was really upset and he could hardly say anything. I felt really bad for him. I mean, my windshield will be repaired and it will be no big deal for me in the soon to be future, but I think this situation will bother the kid a lot more.

The whole situation was entirely uncomfortable to me- witnessing and having this child's guilt directed towards me as if I were angry about it and, a little while later, all of his mother's apologizes.

Luckily I don't have to pay for anything. The repair place has my car until Saturday or Sunday and they let me borrow a car in the meantime.

Man, today was a crazy, crazy day.

New title

I was kind of hesitant to put a Japanese title on this blog. Especially since I don't think anyone who reads this knows Japanese.

But this has a story.

It was last Tuesday and I was in Hotto Motto, a bento place, buying dinner because I had a Japanese lesson later on and I don't have a lot of time to get dinner together on those days.

So I ordered and then, as always, looked at all of the ads while I was waiting for my food.

I'd seen this ad before many, many times, but I hadn't noticed before.

It advertised a new bento meal as "390円のしあわせ," which basically means "390 yen happiness." I decided it was funny on many levels, especially in that it sounds like a title of a Japanese book or a drama. I was thinking I wanted to use it as a title for something and decided to stick it here in the meantime.

So that's the story. No more confusion! Yay!

Power walk

So I started exercising recently. This was inspired by a number of things.

One of those things was standing in a dressing room trying on a shirt and realizing that sitting around sick most of Golden Week gave me a little more of a tummy than what I had before. I've actually first realized that I had a little bit of one senior year of high school and sort of wanted to actively try to get rid of it since then.

Umm... wow, there were other things that inspired this, but I can't remember what they are right now. I totally listed them to Bethany the other day via AIM, but it's gone now.

Anyway, these are the things that I thought of-

1) This time I will start easy: My first semester at CSUMB, I had decided that for my fitness goal for my health class, I would take up jogging. But, unfortunately, that was probably one of the most unhealthiest periods of my life. I wasn't eating very well and I was under lots of stress. I felt really dizzy and sick after trying and I couldn't keep it up. It was really discouraging. I realize now that I was aiming too high, too quickly, and at the wrong time. When I exercised at Curves about a year later, it was really nice because I could pretty much pace myself however I wanted.

2) I don't need to spend money: Because I am starting easy, there is no need for me to get a gym membership or to buy any equipment. I can just do things that I can do easily in and around my apartment building. I will spend money on my habits I have, rather than spend money on habits I WANT to have like many other people do.

So with this healthy and realistic mindset, I started exercising.

I started last week and so far it's been 2 times a week. I aim for everyday except for the day I have my Japanese lesson, but naturally feeling icky and having plans get in the way. I figure that 6 times a week is a tad too much, but if I intend to do that much, but allow myself little excuses not to, I'll average 3-4 times.

Like I said before, I'm start off really easy.

First of all, I go for a power walk around the neighborhood of building. I usually do this after dark because I kind of just want to exercise and not think about being "the foreigner". Plus, I've already preferred working out later in the day because I don't worry about saving energy for the rest of the day. Plus, I don't mind sweating because I will jump into my nightly shower right after.

I figure this power walk will turn into a jog eventually, but I want to make sure that I can actually jog the whole distance without tiring myself out first. If I let that happen, it would all be pointless, right?

I get home and I do crunches (sit ups for wimps) and then I do a wimpy version of push ups (my arms need work!). Then I stretch for a little while and then run in place until the song I am listening to ends. Then I enjoy a nice shower.

Sounds good, right? :) I feel good about it.

The 3～4 days I liked House M.D.

I am not really sure how/why that happened.

I don't remember the exact day, but it was near the beginning of the five day weekend I had from May 2nd to the 6th. Knowing that there will be no new episodes of The Office for a while in my not-too-far future, I decided to take a look at other shows that are currently popular.

And I guess that's how it happened. I found myself watching House M.D.

I was really enjoying the episodes I was watching, but the show really disturbed me at the same time.

The patients in this show have like the most disturbing, unreal illnesses known to mankind.

So I kept watching episodes online of this show, but I kept wanting to stop because it was making me think of the gross things that happened to the patients.

Then, on Tuesday, I watched the new episode.

I was relieved to find that I was completely unamused by the show.

"YES!" I thought, "the spell is broken!"

I am not going to allow myself to watch medical shows anymore. Except maybe episodes of Scrubs (I heard that show ended, btw).

I don't remember disliking high school...

I have a notebook for a specific purpose. Well, actually, it's more of a folder because it fell apart.

Strange opening sentence to this blog, but I couldn't think of a better way to start it.

I wrote three pages in it as a semi-troubled high school senior in 2004. Then I forgot about it, found it again, and wrote a two page reply in 2006. The same thing happened again in 2008. The interesting thing about reading these pages over time is that every time it's a little more interesting. Each time the way of thinking and the setting becomes more foreign to me.

I read the notebook/folder last night trying to take my mind off of crazy things that I was obsessing over. There was one part of my 2004 entry that kind of surprised me. I wrote something along the lines of "if I have to be in high school much longer, I'll claw my eyes out". It surprised me because I don't remember disliking high school that much. It also surprises me that I don't recall finding that part strange in 2006 or 2008.

Maybe my vague memory of what my impressions were as a high school student have been transformed a little by the fact that I teach now. *gigantic shrug*

Did I dislike high school? Obviously, I was kind of tired of it near the end, but I don't quite remember that either. Was it all having to do with friend drama or was that just part of it?

Knowing me, the fact that I don't remember just means that it probably sucked.

:D

"Except it's my mind"

So I had a really weird dream last night.

--------------

The beginning part, I was at some kind of bar. I was hanging around with different people and they kept leaving. I thought it was strange, but then I saw Aya's dad sitting at a table and he said that it was understandable that they would leave.

So I started to walk home. While walking, I decided I should run for some reason. I began to run and this poor, tiny old woman thought I was chasing her. So, the old woman took off away from me.

I felt really bad about it. I didn't like this woman thinking I was scary and making her feel like she had to run from me. In my dream, she had also run from me on my way to the bar, too.

But even though I felt bad about her feeling chased, I continued running. I was unintentionally running after this poor old woman for a while, until she hid behind trash cans. I pretended not to see her and ran by.

So I was still running through this city... town... place and I saw some kids that were about middle school aged. They also ran from me.

It was dark and I was hurriedly trying to get back home. I was actually nudging people who just happened to be walking out of the way. I didn't like how I was pushing these people, but I had sort of a sense of urgency. I think I felt kind of chased, too. I think I thought I was going to be arrested for something I didn't do.

I arrive back home- but it's nowhere like anywhere that I've really lived. It's was a very very small place. My room was only big enough for a couch and a mattress on the floor. Two people, the older sister of my childhood friend Charlene and a little girl, were there. One of them said "How are you?" I smiled, stood on the mattress on my room and I said something along the lines of "That's what I wanted all along." Although in my mind, I wasn't sure if that were true.

I consider this next part to be a whole other dream because it doesn't really fit with the other one. It MIGHT have taken place at the bar in the first dream, but I am not sure.

So, I was at a party and someone (I -think- Sam's friend Joe) said he was going to finally call someone. Everyone was really happy because apparently he was due to call this person for a very long time. So, we all got together to take a commemorative photo.

Then, the world became like twitter and I was interacting with everyone around me with a keyboard and typing @ before the names of people I was interacting with.

This next part, I know for sure comes at the end-

Someone, Dan, I think, asked me what my occupation is. I thought for a bit and as I was waking up from the dream I replied jokingly "prostitution, except it's my mind."

And then woke up wondering just what kind of job that would be.

I was startled by this dream for some reason, so I couldn't get back to sleep until I went to the bathroom and read a little.

-----------

I think it's weird that everyone in my dream except for Dan was someone close to someone I know very well.

What do you think brain prostitution is?? (haha)

Idea

So I just had sort of a fun idea while chatting with Bethany.

People are always being asked weird questions, right?

My idea is that whoever wants to can keep a list (on their cell phone or whatever) of the top 5 weirdest questions they are asked between now and a year from now.

In a year, we can compare notes.

I'll put a spiffy countdown thing-y to April 23rd, 2010 on my blog when I get home from work.

Who's in? Comment!

:D

Jon Stewart says it and says it well.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Nationwide Tax Protests
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Ow

I am writing this on one of the school computers. I can't get onto blogger.com from there, so I'm testing an igoogle app.

So, yesterday I was rushing to get out the door to work and I accidentally scraped my elbow on a wall in my room.

(My walls are not exactly friendly to touch.)

It wasn't until halfway into the day when I realized that it was weird that my elbow met the wall in the first place. What -was- I doing?

So basically it was just another day in the life.

This is NOT Hamtaro!

The reason why I put it off was NOT because I didn't want to take care of it.

Arg, no, I had a slightly better excuse than that.

Let me start at the beginning.

About a month or so ago, I began finding little black things on the ground in my room. My first thought was that there was a mouse somewhere.

I asked Bethany over Instant Message if she thinks I have a mouse on my hands. She told me that they scurry about and they're not quiet about it. I heard no scurrying.

Knowing I had guests coming, I decided to keep my place clean as I could and try to put off this issue. Fortunately, I didn't notice any sign of rodents at all during both of the visits except for once just day or so before my father left.

I asked him whether he thought there was a mouse.

He point around the apartment saying basically "If there were a mouse you see (blah blah blah) here and (blah blah blah) here." My apartment showed none of the signs that he spoke of.

I was hesitant to get people involved because, well, I don't like the idea of being the crazy delusional girl who starts a big ruckus for no reason whatsoever. I wanted to be absolutely certain that there is, indeed, a mouse or mice in my apartment.

A few nights after my mom's visit ended was the absolute WORST.

My entire apartment REEKED of rodent. I wanted to at least open the window, but Sakurajima erupted earlier and the air in Ijuin was polluted with ash.

I stood next to my window pondering "rodent smell or ash? rodent smell or ash?" before picking ash. I left the window open until it simply got too cold and I ended up shutting it.

The next day, I told my office. My supervisor and I went and bought a mousetrap.

Mousetraps in Japan are, strangely, not the kind that snap shut and kill the mice very very quickly, instead the Japanese rely on trapping the mouse with stickiness. I bought these little boxes that can be assembled with sticky goo on the inside. I set them up in my apartment and I went out today hoping that they would see it as a chance to come out of hiding.

I came home and no mice in the two traps I set.

I sniffed and smelled no rat smell. I checked the floors in my room and there were no new unpleasant signs of rodents. I wondered at that moment if I were delusional.

I DID leave my window open for my apartment to air out while I was shopping, so now with the window shut, the smell is kind of returning. It's not as overpowering of a smell as it was the other night, but at least it means that there really is a mouse here and I am not insane.

I just want the stupid mouse/mice to get caught already so that I can move on.

I've been playing with the idea of hiring some kind of cleaning service after I get rid of the mice so that I can feel more confident about the sanitation of my apartment again.

Come to think of it, I've never been 100% sure about it, so professional cleaners would probably help that a lot too.

Oh, a random side note (if you've bothered to read all of this).

Adding to my list of electronics that I thought were going to blow up:

My microwave. (a few days ago)

Thanks for working through that one with me on AIM, Danny, if you read this. (haha)

Oh, and tonight I thought my water heater was going to blow up (I know, we've been through this one before!) It was making creepy beeping sounds. I turned off my hot water and then turned it on again and the beeping didn't happen again. Weird.

What is there to say?

Blogs came so much more easily when I was in college.

The desire to blog just hasn't been present. Maybe it's time to give it a break?

I'm not quite ready to give up yet, though.

Part of the reason probably is the fact I've been using twitter. My random daily thoughts usually end up here. I'm pretty good at condensing what I want to say to under 140 characters.

So... what do I post here?

I have some time on my hands, so I'm going to look over some old entries.

Back

So I am back at work now.

I took my mom to where she could get on a bus to Kagoshima airport.

Now I have to come up with something new to look forward to... :)

Anyway, I haven't posted here a lot because I've been busy preparing for, showing around, and cleaning up after guests.

I had a chance to see a lot of really cool places not too far from here and now I feel like I know my town and Kagoshima city a lot better. I used to be really hesitant to use buses in the city, but now I feel like I can do so confidently.

I decided I am going to write about nearby touristy places in my next Julia in Japan blog.

Last night after we ate dinner in Kagoshima city, my mother and I lured Aya over to my apartment with the invitation to eat some cake we bought earlier. We ended up spending about 2 hours (seemed like it!) pondering the earth's orbit, the speed of planes, and the lapse of time.

My mom has been wondering how it is that some people can see the sunrise twice when flying to Japan from the US. It's really, REALLY complicated. The more you think about it, the more it doesn't make sense.

Let me know if you have any ideas. I am going to be posting pictures from our long discussion on facebook and I'll provide explanation of what we got so far. :D

We were laughing a lot, it was a really good time.

Anyway, back to "real life" now.

I've got a dull work week ahead of me, but it's April now and I am looking forward to the fresh new school year.

I felt sad saying good bye to my mom, but really I am feeling energized, happy, and ready to go thanks to her visit.

The start of a beautiful friendship

If only all friendships were like this.



I wish I had a friend to count things while I eat them.






(alternative caption- The Inspiration for Weight Watchers)

Word.

I am really not very good at writing stories. I can come up with tons of ideas that no one has ever heard of before, but I simply lack the ability to describe things well enough to do the things I come up with justice. I can describe moods, feelings, and thought processes pretty well, but physical descriptions escape me even in real life.

I should team up with someone who is really good at writing, but not very creative.

That is, if I wanted to write stories.

Roar.

By the way, my apartment looks pretty great right now. :)

whitengog

This blog's title came from careless cell phone spelling. Sorry if it means something distasteful in Dutch or something... *gigantic shrug*

So the other night I had kind of a crazy dream.

In this dream, I lived with my mom in a really big house. I guess we were rich or something. Anyway, we had a private chef.

This chef, by the way, was Arnold Schwarzenegger (....of course.)

But I didn't get along well with Arnold the Chef at all.

In the dream, I had a small upstairs kitchen of my own.

I opened the cupboard and found dirty dishes. Angry, I found Chef Arnold to give him a piece of my mind.

It turned out, he did it because he was angry at me for cooking.

I, of course, thought this was INSANE, so I disagreed with him.

Then the guy pushed me.

So I went to my mom to get her to either fire Chef Arnold or demote him to just dish washing duty. My mom knew that was going on, but whenever we tried to talk about it more fully, Chef Arnold would show up. So we went for a walk.

....That was pretty much it.

Weird, huh? (haha)

Now for random Julia updates---

1) Last night, I ordered a mac! It's going to be fun to have a nice, new, snazzy, not-broken computer.

2) I've been struggling with my taxes. Well, the taxes itself worked out just fine, but the website (H&R Block) is giving me errors. It's driving me crazy. Anyway, I wrote a question on Yahoo! Answers about it and actaully got a reply from someone from H&R block! It was a really pleasant surprise that someone from that company would find my question and answer it. Sadly, though, none of her solutions worked. I tried emailing her, but I haven't gotten any responses. Maybe she's only supposed to do Yahoo! Answers for free. I'll write up a new question and maybe she or someone else can give me more suggestions.

3) I went to the dentist last weekend and I talked to him about ways that my teeth can be whitened. He suggested something would put paste on and put over my teeth every night. I am going to be getting that this Saturday. I hope it works.

4) On the eye front, allergies are still bugging them, but the allergy drops help a lot.

5) I have less than a week now to prepare for the first wave of company at my apartment.

Where does 10 pm go?

Because getting up in the morning for work isn't getting any easier, I've been trying to get myself to go to bed earlier.

My ideal plan to get physically to bed around 10:15 or so, put lotion on my hands (1), and read while waiting for the lotion to dry... absorb... (whateveritdoes).

So, around 10 or so, I drag myself off the computer. I'm already wearing what I intend to sleep in. I just need to do a few things before I go to sleep (like brush my teeth and set my alarms(2)). I finish those things and I glance at the clock.

It's suddenly about 10:45 and I wonder "how did that happen?!"

I'm pretty sure 10 pm is the fastest hour of the day. ;)

(1)- I put lotion on my hands NIGHTLY but the skin still broke and bled last week. *gigantic shrug*
(2)- Yes, I set two alarms every of every work morning. I figure just in case one of them doesn't work. The first alarm really actually serves as an alert to me that the second alarm will be going off 10 minutes later. Whether that's beneficial or not, I really don't know.

(I honestly don't know why I wrote this blog entry like this...)

My eyes are itchy...

...and the blogs just keep on coming.

:)

Actually, the day of my last entry was almost a two blog entry day. These things certainly come in spurts, don't they?

Ok, so I am not 100% sure that last sentence made sense.

My head cold is all better. I am really glad it didn't get into my lungs like a cold I had before. It drove me crazy how long I was coughing after I was sick and how everyone around me thought I was still sick because of it.

I went to the eye doctors yesterday because they've been bothering me a lot lately. He looked at my eyes. There are no infections and there is no more big problem with dryness.

The problem -now- with my eyes is allergies.

I have mixed feelings about this outcome. On one side, it means that once the pollen dies down, I might finally have eyes that don't bother me again. On the other hand, since it's seasonal allergies, it'll probably be back next year.

But if the allergy eye drops do what they're supposed to do, then that shouldn't be a problem either.

I am not against the idea of being able to wear contacts in summer, fall, and winter and have a pretty nifty pair of glasses (like now) to wear during the spring.

So, eye-wise, thinks are looking up.

No pun intended.

....

Speaking of things that aren't funny-

What's big, red, cheerful, destructive and turning 2 years old today (Monday)?

(There was a minor update on that site that I posted the other day. Whether the celebration of the terrible twos will bring a bigger update is not yet known to me.)

It's March! This is going to be an eventful month (as will be the beginning of April).

Right now, I ought to be looking into touristy Kagoshima things.

Gobly gook

"Maybe it'll mean I'll blog more. :)"

It's been about 9 days since I posted that sentence. I guess I haven't really been posting more.

Anyway, my excuse these past few days is a head cold (I wrote "cold head" before). Before that? Well, I don't know.

This week, I had trouble with my office internet. That was finally fixed today when I spoke up about. I felt bad about it though, getting people to stop their work to fix my internet when they KNOW that I don't use the internet for work related purposes.

Out of complete and utter boredom on Monday, I opened up a word document and just started writing whatever came to my head.

I wrote things like-

"Roar, I’m not doing anything and I am not even progressing at doing nothing. Yes, I just roared. I decided to speak dinosaur. I am fluent in dinosaur."

and...

"Woo! I am almost on the third page. The third page! I know, I am repeating myself like I am channeling the two unicorns from Charlie the Unicorn. We’re going on an adventure, Charlie! Yeah, Charlie, an adventure! We’re on a bridge, Charlie! It’s a magical leoplorodon Charlie. By the way, I don’t know how to spell leoplorodon. The word document tells me I misspelled the word, but it has no suggestions. Worthless piece of junk! I broke my spell check on my laptop during finals fall semester 2006. I was taking both a Japanese pop culture class and a Mayan civilizations class. I was writing two papers for those classes and I was adding so many words to the dictionary (not to mention all of the jibberish I used to add just out of boredom). So, the dictionary ran out of space. Isn’t that amazing. I bet you never heard of someone managing to break his or her spell check."

And then I got bored and started writing lyrics entirely out of memory.

I think the song "No Air" is funny because sometimes in the song, they sing something that sounds like "eh ah" instead of the word "air". Anyway, this is what I wrote-

“Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no eh-ah. Can’t live can’t breathe with no eh-ah. It’s how I feel when I know you ain’t neh-ah. No air no air. Tell me how somethingaboutwater so deep. Tell me how are you gonna be without me. If you ain’t here I just can’t breathe, there’s no air, no air. No eh-ah! Eh-ah.”

;)

I am very good at both intentionally and unintentionally messing up song lyrics.

Does anyone have any requests?

I still have a head cold (almost typed "cold head" again) and I can't think.