I had a well written blog in my head just seconds ago, I even started using Google Notebook so that I could write it down before it goes away again. The ideas are still there but the structure has pretty much gone to hell. Let's see what I can reassemble.
Hm... it seems a lot of things seem structured in my mind, but aren't quite so when expressed to other people.
I have a lot of ideas about what I want to achieve in life, but I don't really know for sure if I can actually do these things. I don't know exactly where my limits are- I just know that day to day I go from believing I could conquer the Earth blindfolded to wondering how it is that I am breathing without choking.
Both of those extremes were exaggerated, of course.
(Although I'll admit to having choked on my own saliva a few times... *sigh*)
But I try to hang on to the same goals no matter how I am feeling about myself. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just change my goals to something easier- that way the thoughts that plague me at times that I can't be all that I want to be would not be a problem. I could do this, but the high ambition, high confidence side of me would never be happy with it.
That side wants to keep moving up until it finds just the right place. It does not want to stop at the ceilings set by the not-so-confident side or by other people. It wants to stop only when it reached the top of it's ability to climb- wherever that may be.
That side wants to prove the not-so-confident side and the not-so-confident people wrong.
"Wait..." someone might ask "People who are not so confident in you?"
I am not sure why I tend to believe that people don't see me as qualified. I have really no basis to believe this other than silly things like bullying during childhood. I can really only say that I think that part of the assumption is based on the confident/insecure dynamic in my mind. Something in my mind wants to prove itself and it somehow only makes sense to me that I would be proving something to someone else.
It helps me push myself along to believe that I need to prove something, but having a few choice people in my life to overwhelm me with their confidence in me is great for balancing that out. That's pretty much the way my life is now and I think it works well for me.
People also inspire me with their own strength and ambition- regardless if it's something that I could do easily, I still really admire people who keep trying at something even if it's difficult for them. I worked hard as a student, but I never quite had any challenges that seemed to impossible to solve.
Or maybe I have- I don't really take a lot of time to reflect on my achievements usually because I'm usually thinking about the next thing by then. As a consequence, I tend to think pretty little of them. They're just steps and there are large number of them ahead. Yes, it's possible I have been challenged like that, but I still think that I haven't. I -think- I would remember it.
Anyway--- the people who keep trying at things make me want to find and conquer my own blocks, but at the same time, they make me afraid that I would instead walk away from said "blocks" and pretend they don't exist. I get discouraged and afraid of failure. I am a pro at talking myself into things and I am even better at talking myself out of things. It's possible that I might just come across the road block and decide it's just not worth trying to pass and then coming up with a different route. I know what I might whine, complain, and consider giving up, but I like to think that in the end I would suck it up and give a good effort. Then, if I fail... be a vegetable for a day, a week, or until I can come up with a new plan.
Either way, I guess I'll be fine. Even the part of me that lacks confidence doesn't believe I will ever be down and out for long.
I have a bit of a dislike for metaphors, so I am inwardly cringing as I continue to rely on them in this blog entry.
I also don't like how my vocabulary seems to have escaped me at many points while typing this. I'm feeling a tad too stubborn to consult a thesaurus, so sorry for that.
I kind of feel like I am reiterating the same things over and over so, I think I'll end this entry here.
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