February 25, 2010

Opening up?

It's always been very difficult (if not impossible) for me to talk about the things that are really really close to my heart. When I do, I often either make them sound less important than they really are or exaggerate humorously. If it's something I'm really passionate about, I don't like people knowing it. I don't like letting people know what's really important for me because I feel like that gives them the power to destroy it.

But they don't have to have this power. I keep reminding myself of this. If I hold true to what I want and believe in, it won't matter what other people say or do.

Once I start grad school, something I'm very passionate about will be out there in the open. Even now, talking about grad school with everyone I know, I end up opening the door just a crack or a little more letting people know what I want to do... but still very rarely why or how much.

If I am going to be who I want to be, I am going to have to pull that door open and let anyone who would listen know what I am really about.

But these things aren't easy. I feel the door opening gradually at a speed that I can almost call comfortable.

...............

My name is Julia and I will be starting to work on my Masters degree in the fall. I will be entering the International Policy Studies Program at Monterey Institute of International Studies with a concentration on International Conflict Resolution. If time and money permit it, I also want to work towards getting a certificate for Nonproliferation Studies. I want to do this because I dislike the idea of innocent people losing their lives and having to live feeling that they are unsafe. I want to make the world just a little bit safer. I'm especially interested in nonproliferation studies because I've visited Hiroshima and decided that I never want to see that happen again to anyone in the world in my lifetime. I don't need to be an important or well known person, but I just want to make a difference.

Still, beyond this, there is so much I want to do. I think that getting into JET gave me a little taste of what it feels like to really succeed and I am not sure when exactly I will stop wanting more.

.................

Hmm... well, that wasn't much but it's a start.

Because it is so difficult for me to open up to others about what's really important to me, you can imagine how hard it was to up the courage to even apply for this grad school program.

It's all going to be worth it.

I just it's ridiculous that I got over such a barrier and now suddenly I'm constantly obsessing over something as ridiculous as money.

Oh well, MIIS will happen even if I have to get (a) loan(s).

(this blog kind of deteriorated....)

February 16, 2010

been a while

It seems like I just can't stick to blogging, can I?

So I was sitting at my desk thinking about what things I need to do. I went through the list that had been going through my head for months now.

'Finished that... finished that....'

I ended up confused with an empty list.

Suddenly, 'I guess it's time to return to cleaning your apartment' popped into my head.

"Oh!" I almost said out loud.

I'm not sure why, but my mood has been kind of poor lately. Knowing me, it's probably a combination of a lot of things. Krystina's been off at boot camp for about a week now and it feels like it's been much longer. I find myself in the middle of the day wondering what she's been doing and how she's doing. I wrote her a letter in which I requested that she tell me "everything", but obviously this is snail mail we're talking about so it'll be a while.

I think I've also been experiencing a post-performance slump. My Japanese dance performance was last Thursday and, leading up to it, I was really looking forward to it. And, after just a few hours, it was over. I realized I really started liking dance more knowing there was going to be a performance (the news evidently had the opposite effect on another one of the girls, though. :/) I can't remember if I had post-performance slumps in high school after plays were over, because it probably just would be blended in with the ups and downs I had all of the time in high school.

I've been studying economics on my own. I tried to sign up for classes online for a prerequisite for a class at MIIS, but the teacher told me that it was too late to sign up for the class. I got the text books anyway. Sometimes, MIIS allows students to take an econ test instead of having to take the prerequisite classes, but I am not sure if that will work out for me. However, the textbook has a magical ability to put me to sleep, so that worries me that an economics class would have a similar effect. So, I decided that even if I still have to take these economics classes that I am now studying the textbooks for, it's a good idea to study them now at my own pace so that I can be a good student and perhaps get some interest in the subject.

Besides... I have a lot of work time on my hands with Krystina vanished from the internet.

I started chapter 3 of Macroeconomics yesterday. The concepts so far aren't really complicated- they seem to be almost entirely common sense, but the book choses to discuss these simple concepts in just about the most complicated ways possible. Up until about chapter 5, it's just basic economics info. I checked the Microeconomics book and the first 5 chapters are exactly the same. It's pretty cool to know that when the times comes to start Microecon, I can skip a reasonably sized chunk of the textbook.

Hmm... I think that's all that has been going on with me recently.