March 01, 2013

Odd week

What an odd week!

I had a fever on Monday and went to a big job interview on Thursday still feeling the residual symptoms. Then today, on Friday, I went whale watching.

Not too many people have that combination of things combined into five consecutive days.

I learned a lot about gumption, good impressions, and positivity this week. :)

January 25, 2013


These days, I normally feel very at peace with where my life is at now. Not "happy" with it, per say, but OK with it knowing what the significance of it is and knowing it's not a permanent state.

But every now and then I think of just how many "somedays" are hanging over my head and I feel sad again.

January 11, 2013

Not so pointless

I know it sounds really strange- when it became 2013, all of the sudden I felt very at peace with all that has been happening (or NOT happening) with me for the past 6 months. I haven't felt sad about my unemployed state and I seemed to have this newly refreshed optimism. I came to appreciate all that I've learned and had the opportunity to realize about myself and what I want during this time that felt like a pointless limbo. I realize now that this was an important time and perhaps I will someday look back and think of how significant it was for me to pave the way into the future in my own way.

After all- that's how I've always done things right! My own way. The way that felt like a true, natural progression to me.

I've been having odd conversations with people who don't seem to understand. They think I wavered or gave up. I didn't.

Good timing, too, it seems as though it is about time to move onto the next phase of life. Things are finally started to begin to fall into place.

The feeling I have right now is gratitude.

(My sentences feel choppy...)

November 26, 2012

Well well well...

There goes that habit. :P

October 26, 2012

Nearly 3AM

In the past, blog writing was therapeutic. It always helped to put my problems into words. By the end of my blog, I always seemed to have reached some kind of new resolution or perspective. I really hope for that this time.


I don't think I've ever been as depressed as I have been the past few days. Fortunately, it's not so much feeling bad about myself, but being frustrated. Perhaps, at worse, doubting my past decisions and the route I have taken to where I am now. The progression from where I started to where I was when I graduated from MIIS made so much sense and now I keep having the nagging feeling that I was wrong somewhere but I can't figure out where.

I guess I just always believed that if you worked hard, had persistence, and made the right decisions, you would reach your goals. If you're not capable- then make yourself capable! I always felt so empowered about my destiny. When I was in 6th grade I even so far as convinced myself that I willed my growth spurt to come and part of me continues to believe it.

I've known you can't control others, their actions, and their feelings but I held on to the knowledge that I am commander and chief of my own life.

Then why is it that I am unemployed in spite of my best efforts, my insurance will cease to cover me in four days when I turn 26, and the money I've always felt so smart for saving is withering away. I am sensing soon that I will have to make more decisions I've never wanted to make. I know that's life but I keep thinking that this could only happen if I did something wrong.

I've never felt so powerless about my life. When can things finally turn around in my favor? I can do things to try to encourage it, but I can't make it happen. If I could, I would have so many months ago.


One thing that always helped me feel good about life was the ability to have tasks to do and keep busy. I thrive well in a life where I have a job or school, extra little hobbies and obligations, and a few days here and there for things like laundry and running errands. I became the generally happy and optimistic person that I (usually) am now by discovering my love for keeping busy and having things to do. I've known since I was a kid that I would get depressed with monotony and without much to occupy my mind. After last Friday's interview, they tested me on writing and web design skills. It felt really great to sit at that desk and complete the tasks and it made me remember how good it is for me to WORK. I don't just need to work for money, but I need to work to stay occupied, happy, and for that little sense of accomplishment that can be achieved from even little things you get done.

This is not the life I can be happy in and I can't just pull myself out of it with just the strength of my WILL. I need OTHER people who don't know me, how much I have to offer employers, and how much I would thrive in a working environment to decide I am the best candidate.


Sometimes I have been feeling bad for being depressed. Like "yeah, boo hoo, Julia, you're going through the same thing many other people your age are going through. You don't see them bursting into tears and dwelling on it." However, I think I can have my own feelings about things and how they affect me. I am a bit afraid to talk to others about it because I keep worrying they will think like that. On Saturday I will be surrounded by friends but I am dreading it because I have been feeling so miserable and I don't want to be a downer. Even if I did need to talk about it, I don't feel like I can. I kind of wish I could hide away until I can come out again feeling accomplished and successful again. I guess that means I am kind of ashamed of where I am now. I am. I don't really want to face my friends in this phase where I don't seem to have anything going for me. It's not entirely that I am ashamed to be job-less and school-less, but also ashamed that I am so completely depressed now. I plan on trying to put on a brave face, hopefully forgetting my troubles, and having fun but I am still worried about it. I am afraid of being judged when I just want to feel myself again.


Depressed, ashamed, powerless, unhappy...
I want to go back to how I felt before.

(It's almost 3:30 AM now)
(Whether this was therapeutic remains to be seen)

October 18, 2012


Less than 11 hours until the interview.

That's the time I will use to do the last preparations, sleep, get ready, and then get to the consulate.

Wish me luck!

I'm spending the night in San Francisco at the moment and I came back a little while ago from having dinner and ice cream with Juan, Solon, and Sam. Being around them helped me get my mind off of the stress of the situation.

People who know me might know that when I get stressed out, I tend to sometimes fixate on something that be optional determined to make it happen. At the interview prep session, the woman had a really nice portfolio which she was showing me neat little tricks I could do to impress the interviewer. After that, I was pretty dead-set on getting one. I planned on going to Staples or WalMart in Gilroy on my way to San Francisco, but then had to go to Salinas to get my phone car charger from my mom and ended up going to the Office Depot instead. There I just happened to find exactly what I wanted just a little beat up with no others on the shelf on and no way to tell how much it cost. The salesperson told me I could just take it at no cost.


It was that moment that I decided that things were starting to turn into my favor and that tomorrow's interview was going to be great.

Still nervous, though, but wishing for the best!

October 17, 2012

Nervousness and good guidance

It's 11:45! Another blog with cutthroat timing!

Today I spent quite a bit of money and went to a job hunt professional for a two hour session about job interviews. In the end, I think it was really worth the money because I learned about how to answer just about any question they will throw at me on Friday

However, I kind of expected to come from the interview ready to get interviewed, when instead I have A LOT to think about between now and Friday morning. It's all good stuff, but I have a lot of things to do and review tomorrow before I drive up to San Francisco. This is probably the most effort I've put into an interview since JET, so I am really hoping for the best and hopefully everything will go great.

At this late hour of a busy day, I am feeling the nervousness kick in. This is going to be tough few days.

So here are some certainties-

1) I will have this interview.
2) I am qualified for this position.
3) They've chosen me for a scholarship and selected/interviewed me for the JET Programme. So I am not a few face.

If I follow the awesome advice I got today, I should be fine.

I'll blog again from San Francisco tomorrrow... or at least I hope I'll get around to it. If not, I suppose it might be all done and over with by the next time I write another entry. *deep breaths*