Nearly 3AM

In the past, blog writing was therapeutic. It always helped to put my problems into words. By the end of my blog, I always seemed to have reached some kind of new resolution or perspective. I really hope for that this time.

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I don't think I've ever been as depressed as I have been the past few days. Fortunately, it's not so much feeling bad about myself, but being frustrated. Perhaps, at worse, doubting my past decisions and the route I have taken to where I am now. The progression from where I started to where I was when I graduated from MIIS made so much sense and now I keep having the nagging feeling that I was wrong somewhere but I can't figure out where.

I guess I just always believed that if you worked hard, had persistence, and made the right decisions, you would reach your goals. If you're not capable- then make yourself capable! I always felt so empowered about my destiny. When I was in 6th grade I even so far as convinced myself that I willed my growth spurt to come and part of me continues to believe it.

I've known you can't control others, their actions, and their feelings but I held on to the knowledge that I am commander and chief of my own life.

Then why is it that I am unemployed in spite of my best efforts, my insurance will cease to cover me in four days when I turn 26, and the money I've always felt so smart for saving is withering away. I am sensing soon that I will have to make more decisions I've never wanted to make. I know that's life but I keep thinking that this could only happen if I did something wrong.

I've never felt so powerless about my life. When can things finally turn around in my favor? I can do things to try to encourage it, but I can't make it happen. If I could, I would have so many months ago.

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One thing that always helped me feel good about life was the ability to have tasks to do and keep busy. I thrive well in a life where I have a job or school, extra little hobbies and obligations, and a few days here and there for things like laundry and running errands. I became the generally happy and optimistic person that I (usually) am now by discovering my love for keeping busy and having things to do. I've known since I was a kid that I would get depressed with monotony and without much to occupy my mind. After last Friday's interview, they tested me on writing and web design skills. It felt really great to sit at that desk and complete the tasks and it made me remember how good it is for me to WORK. I don't just need to work for money, but I need to work to stay occupied, happy, and for that little sense of accomplishment that can be achieved from even little things you get done.

This is not the life I can be happy in and I can't just pull myself out of it with just the strength of my WILL. I need OTHER people who don't know me, how much I have to offer employers, and how much I would thrive in a working environment to decide I am the best candidate.

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Sometimes I have been feeling bad for being depressed. Like "yeah, boo hoo, Julia, you're going through the same thing many other people your age are going through. You don't see them bursting into tears and dwelling on it." However, I think I can have my own feelings about things and how they affect me. I am a bit afraid to talk to others about it because I keep worrying they will think like that. On Saturday I will be surrounded by friends but I am dreading it because I have been feeling so miserable and I don't want to be a downer. Even if I did need to talk about it, I don't feel like I can. I kind of wish I could hide away until I can come out again feeling accomplished and successful again. I guess that means I am kind of ashamed of where I am now. I am. I don't really want to face my friends in this phase where I don't seem to have anything going for me. It's not entirely that I am ashamed to be job-less and school-less, but also ashamed that I am so completely depressed now. I plan on trying to put on a brave face, hopefully forgetting my troubles, and having fun but I am still worried about it. I am afraid of being judged when I just want to feel myself again.

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Depressed, ashamed, powerless, unhappy...
I want to go back to how I felt before.

(It's almost 3:30 AM now)
(Whether this was therapeutic remains to be seen)