In the past, blog writing was therapeutic. It always helped to put my problems into words. By the end of my blog, I always seemed to have reached some kind of new resolution or perspective. I really hope for that this time.
----
I don't think I've ever been as depressed as I have been the past few days. Fortunately, it's not so much feeling bad about myself, but being frustrated. Perhaps, at worse, doubting my past decisions and the route I have taken to where I am now. The progression from where I started to where I was when I graduated from MIIS made so much sense and now I keep having the nagging feeling that I was wrong somewhere but I can't figure out where.
I guess I just always believed that if you worked hard, had persistence, and made the right decisions, you would reach your goals. If you're not capable- then make yourself capable! I always felt so empowered about my destiny. When I was in 6th grade I even so far as convinced myself that I willed my growth spurt to come and part of me continues to believe it.
I've known you can't control others, their actions, and their feelings but I held on to the knowledge that I am commander and chief of my own life.
Then why is it that I am unemployed in spite of my best efforts, my insurance will cease to cover me in four days when I turn 26, and the money I've always felt so smart for saving is withering away. I am sensing soon that I will have to make more decisions I've never wanted to make. I know that's life but I keep thinking that this could only happen if I did something wrong.
I've never felt so powerless about my life. When can things finally turn around in my favor? I can do things to try to encourage it, but I can't make it happen. If I could, I would have so many months ago.
----
One thing that always helped me feel good about life was the ability to have tasks to do and keep busy. I thrive well in a life where I have a job or school, extra little hobbies and obligations, and a few days here and there for things like laundry and running errands. I became the generally happy and optimistic person that I (usually) am now by discovering my love for keeping busy and having things to do. I've known since I was a kid that I would get depressed with monotony and without much to occupy my mind. After last Friday's interview, they tested me on writing and web design skills. It felt really great to sit at that desk and complete the tasks and it made me remember how good it is for me to WORK. I don't just need to work for money, but I need to work to stay occupied, happy, and for that little sense of accomplishment that can be achieved from even little things you get done.
This is not the life I can be happy in and I can't just pull myself out of it with just the strength of my WILL. I need OTHER people who don't know me, how much I have to offer employers, and how much I would thrive in a working environment to decide I am the best candidate.
----
Sometimes I have been feeling bad for being depressed. Like "yeah, boo hoo, Julia, you're going through the same thing many other people your age are going through. You don't see them bursting into tears and dwelling on it." However, I think I can have my own feelings about things and how they affect me. I am a bit afraid to talk to others about it because I keep worrying they will think like that. On Saturday I will be surrounded by friends but I am dreading it because I have been feeling so miserable and I don't want to be a downer. Even if I did need to talk about it, I don't feel like I can. I kind of wish I could hide away until I can come out again feeling accomplished and successful again. I guess that means I am kind of ashamed of where I am now. I am. I don't really want to face my friends in this phase where I don't seem to have anything going for me. It's not entirely that I am ashamed to be job-less and school-less, but also ashamed that I am so completely depressed now. I plan on trying to put on a brave face, hopefully forgetting my troubles, and having fun but I am still worried about it. I am afraid of being judged when I just want to feel myself again.
----
Depressed, ashamed, powerless, unhappy...
I want to go back to how I felt before.
(It's almost 3:30 AM now)
(Whether this was therapeutic remains to be seen)
October 26, 2012
October 18, 2012
Portfolio
Less than 11 hours until the interview.
That's the time I will use to do the last preparations, sleep, get ready, and then get to the consulate.
Wish me luck!
I'm spending the night in San Francisco at the moment and I came back a little while ago from having dinner and ice cream with Juan, Solon, and Sam. Being around them helped me get my mind off of the stress of the situation.
People who know me might know that when I get stressed out, I tend to sometimes fixate on something that be optional determined to make it happen. At the interview prep session, the woman had a really nice portfolio which she was showing me neat little tricks I could do to impress the interviewer. After that, I was pretty dead-set on getting one. I planned on going to Staples or WalMart in Gilroy on my way to San Francisco, but then had to go to Salinas to get my phone car charger from my mom and ended up going to the Office Depot instead. There I just happened to find exactly what I wanted just a little beat up with no others on the shelf on and no way to tell how much it cost. The salesperson told me I could just take it at no cost.
:)
It was that moment that I decided that things were starting to turn into my favor and that tomorrow's interview was going to be great.
Still nervous, though, but wishing for the best!
That's the time I will use to do the last preparations, sleep, get ready, and then get to the consulate.
Wish me luck!
I'm spending the night in San Francisco at the moment and I came back a little while ago from having dinner and ice cream with Juan, Solon, and Sam. Being around them helped me get my mind off of the stress of the situation.
People who know me might know that when I get stressed out, I tend to sometimes fixate on something that be optional determined to make it happen. At the interview prep session, the woman had a really nice portfolio which she was showing me neat little tricks I could do to impress the interviewer. After that, I was pretty dead-set on getting one. I planned on going to Staples or WalMart in Gilroy on my way to San Francisco, but then had to go to Salinas to get my phone car charger from my mom and ended up going to the Office Depot instead. There I just happened to find exactly what I wanted just a little beat up with no others on the shelf on and no way to tell how much it cost. The salesperson told me I could just take it at no cost.
:)
It was that moment that I decided that things were starting to turn into my favor and that tomorrow's interview was going to be great.
Still nervous, though, but wishing for the best!
October 17, 2012
Nervousness and good guidance
It's 11:45! Another blog with cutthroat timing!
Today I spent quite a bit of money and went to a job hunt professional for a two hour session about job interviews. In the end, I think it was really worth the money because I learned about how to answer just about any question they will throw at me on Friday
However, I kind of expected to come from the interview ready to get interviewed, when instead I have A LOT to think about between now and Friday morning. It's all good stuff, but I have a lot of things to do and review tomorrow before I drive up to San Francisco. This is probably the most effort I've put into an interview since JET, so I am really hoping for the best and hopefully everything will go great.
At this late hour of a busy day, I am feeling the nervousness kick in. This is going to be tough few days.
So here are some certainties-
1) I will have this interview.
2) I am qualified for this position.
3) They've chosen me for a scholarship and selected/interviewed me for the JET Programme. So I am not a few face.
If I follow the awesome advice I got today, I should be fine.
I'll blog again from San Francisco tomorrrow... or at least I hope I'll get around to it. If not, I suppose it might be all done and over with by the next time I write another entry. *deep breaths*
Today I spent quite a bit of money and went to a job hunt professional for a two hour session about job interviews. In the end, I think it was really worth the money because I learned about how to answer just about any question they will throw at me on Friday
However, I kind of expected to come from the interview ready to get interviewed, when instead I have A LOT to think about between now and Friday morning. It's all good stuff, but I have a lot of things to do and review tomorrow before I drive up to San Francisco. This is probably the most effort I've put into an interview since JET, so I am really hoping for the best and hopefully everything will go great.
At this late hour of a busy day, I am feeling the nervousness kick in. This is going to be tough few days.
So here are some certainties-
1) I will have this interview.
2) I am qualified for this position.
3) They've chosen me for a scholarship and selected/interviewed me for the JET Programme. So I am not a few face.
If I follow the awesome advice I got today, I should be fine.
I'll blog again from San Francisco tomorrrow... or at least I hope I'll get around to it. If not, I suppose it might be all done and over with by the next time I write another entry. *deep breaths*
October 16, 2012
A little fun
I can do this blog before midnight! I can! I can!
Today I had a little fun for once. A married couple who are friends of mine invited me over to their house for spaghetti, pie, and games and it was really great. I don't get a lot of opportunities to hang out and not worry about the ol' job hunt these days with most of my good friends moved away.
The top two most hilarious things in the evening... in no particular order.
1) (Sorry for being political, but...) during the presidential debate when Mitt Romey said that you need to be "flexible when hiring women" because they need to be home in time to make dinner. Hello 1950s! My friends and I joked about that one for a while. Ironically, Lynn (the wife) was sitting on the couch with me watching the debate while Brian (her husband) was at the stove preparing dinner.
2) I was playing with their GINORMOUS cat with some shiny feathers at the end of a stick. It was on one of the dinner table chairs and I put the toy up near the back of the chair. The cat ended up putting all of her weight on the back of the chair and sent the whole thing toppling over. It was kind of hilarious. The cat was OK, but a little shaken.
Tomorrow is my interview preparation. I hope it goes well. :)
Today I had a little fun for once. A married couple who are friends of mine invited me over to their house for spaghetti, pie, and games and it was really great. I don't get a lot of opportunities to hang out and not worry about the ol' job hunt these days with most of my good friends moved away.
The top two most hilarious things in the evening... in no particular order.
1) (Sorry for being political, but...) during the presidential debate when Mitt Romey said that you need to be "flexible when hiring women" because they need to be home in time to make dinner. Hello 1950s! My friends and I joked about that one for a while. Ironically, Lynn (the wife) was sitting on the couch with me watching the debate while Brian (her husband) was at the stove preparing dinner.
2) I was playing with their GINORMOUS cat with some shiny feathers at the end of a stick. It was on one of the dinner table chairs and I put the toy up near the back of the chair. The cat ended up putting all of her weight on the back of the chair and sent the whole thing toppling over. It was kind of hilarious. The cat was OK, but a little shaken.
Tomorrow is my interview preparation. I hope it goes well. :)
October 15, 2012
There are no detours
I'm working on making my sleeping schedule more regular. By working on it, I mean my mom is letting me have half of her sleeping pills. I don't intend to make it a habit, I am just taking them for now to get a better schedule.
The other night, I didn't fall asleep until almost 5 am. Since I've had a few other nights like that recently, I decided it was time to intervene.
Today I was talking to my mom about something that's been bouncing around in my head for a while. With this upcoming interview at the Japan consulate in SF, I am realizing that a belief I've had for some time really has a lot of truth to it.
It may seem like going from studying Japanese, living in Japan to studying international policy studies and development is a leap with very little connection between them, but I honestly don't believe that I've taken any detours to where I am now. Sure, I could have studied Global Studies in undergrad (instead I took just one class) and the subject matter would have been more closely related to what I studied at MIIS, but if I never lived in Japan I wouldn't have had the personal development experience I needed to decide that I wanted to go to graduate school and that I COULD pursue my interests in international studies that I harbored but never widely admitted I had. Going to Japan also widened my perspective and there is no doubt that my several visits to Hiroshima is what first got me on the path to Peace Studies (thus, ending up with Conflict Resolution as my concentration.)
I attended and graduated from MIIS thoroughly believing that there was little chance that my background with Japan would have any greater effect on my future career than that. I thought that maybe I would work for an NGO in Southeast Asia and if I had the opportunity to temporarily work with or be in communication with a Japanese NGO it would just be LUCK- nothing I should count on. It seemed like Japan and what I wanted to do with my graduate degree had loose connections, but I believed in them. I had no detours.
This upcoming interview opened my eyes. Maybe the connections between each step that I've taken are a lot clearer than I originally thought. If my Japan background and MIIS studies combine to create a job at the Consulate of Japan in San Francisco, next I might be able to grow in the field of Japan's international relationships. Then maybe Japan's international development activities? I don't know exactly how this can work, but it's a different path that I hadn't even thought of before. I could continue doing what I have been doing- collecting these experiences, bits of knowledge, and useful skills and eventually they will accumulate into something really great.
Something having to do with Japan AND International Development. How awesome would that be?
(The only thing that would make it better is if I could still have close proximity to my family. :/)
The other night, I didn't fall asleep until almost 5 am. Since I've had a few other nights like that recently, I decided it was time to intervene.
Today I was talking to my mom about something that's been bouncing around in my head for a while. With this upcoming interview at the Japan consulate in SF, I am realizing that a belief I've had for some time really has a lot of truth to it.
It may seem like going from studying Japanese, living in Japan to studying international policy studies and development is a leap with very little connection between them, but I honestly don't believe that I've taken any detours to where I am now. Sure, I could have studied Global Studies in undergrad (instead I took just one class) and the subject matter would have been more closely related to what I studied at MIIS, but if I never lived in Japan I wouldn't have had the personal development experience I needed to decide that I wanted to go to graduate school and that I COULD pursue my interests in international studies that I harbored but never widely admitted I had. Going to Japan also widened my perspective and there is no doubt that my several visits to Hiroshima is what first got me on the path to Peace Studies (thus, ending up with Conflict Resolution as my concentration.)
I attended and graduated from MIIS thoroughly believing that there was little chance that my background with Japan would have any greater effect on my future career than that. I thought that maybe I would work for an NGO in Southeast Asia and if I had the opportunity to temporarily work with or be in communication with a Japanese NGO it would just be LUCK- nothing I should count on. It seemed like Japan and what I wanted to do with my graduate degree had loose connections, but I believed in them. I had no detours.
This upcoming interview opened my eyes. Maybe the connections between each step that I've taken are a lot clearer than I originally thought. If my Japan background and MIIS studies combine to create a job at the Consulate of Japan in San Francisco, next I might be able to grow in the field of Japan's international relationships. Then maybe Japan's international development activities? I don't know exactly how this can work, but it's a different path that I hadn't even thought of before. I could continue doing what I have been doing- collecting these experiences, bits of knowledge, and useful skills and eventually they will accumulate into something really great.
Something having to do with Japan AND International Development. How awesome would that be?
(The only thing that would make it better is if I could still have close proximity to my family. :/)
October 13, 2012
Preparations
I guess that last blog was a daily blog after all. The entire day yesterday ended up being kind of thrown off by my mom getting a high fever.
So now it's less than a week until the big interview in San Francisco. I'm working on a word document containing questions I want to ask, how I will answer questions that I anticipate, why I am good for the job and why the job is good for me. I'm also planning on studying some Japanese like might be impressive to my interviewer (did I mention this is for the Japanese consulate in San Francisco?) and reviewing what I've learned about web design over the years so that I can speak about it in a more informed way.
I got my suit together and I still need to work on what I am doing with my hair and for makeup.
Meanwhile, I am attempting to schedule a mock interview with a local job search professional. It intimidates me to seek this help (almost as much as the interview itself), but I know it will help so I am trying anyway.
I know I am a good fit for this job, so I have nothing to be worried about.
Although I do have quite a lot at stake right now....
So now it's less than a week until the big interview in San Francisco. I'm working on a word document containing questions I want to ask, how I will answer questions that I anticipate, why I am good for the job and why the job is good for me. I'm also planning on studying some Japanese like might be impressive to my interviewer (did I mention this is for the Japanese consulate in San Francisco?) and reviewing what I've learned about web design over the years so that I can speak about it in a more informed way.
I got my suit together and I still need to work on what I am doing with my hair and for makeup.
Meanwhile, I am attempting to schedule a mock interview with a local job search professional. It intimidates me to seek this help (almost as much as the interview itself), but I know it will help so I am trying anyway.
I know I am a good fit for this job, so I have nothing to be worried about.
October 12, 2012
Anxiety
This is not a daily blog. Well, it's after midnight, so if one just doesn't happen tomorrow, I can just say that this IS the daily blog. But I probably already ruined that by saying this...
I was thinking that I probably ought to go to sleep instead of typing this up. My sleep schedule has been awful, but then again, going to bed earlier hasn't seemed to help. Plus if the motivation behind everyday blog entries was to get myself INTO writing again, then if I have a time that I WANT to write a blog, I should definitely do that.
I don't know why, but for some reason tonight I am suddenly feeling kind of melancholy. I am not feeling bad about myself and my job hunting status per say, but I was thinking about how this time has been for me.
I think the worst thing about job hunting is the lack of accomplishment. Sure, getting an application turned in and even an interview now and then are accomplishments, but there is not a lot to actually feel good about. It's a thankless job. It is so hard to try to "sell yourself," your "great" personality, work ethic, and everything you have to offer an employer when there are no reminders that those things are all true except for the ones you have to constantly feed yourself to get through the cover letters and resumes. How do you, after months of nothing much more than self-assurance, go up in front of an interviewer and behave like a champion?
"Fake it till you make it" seems to have been my philosophy so far. Some of the greatest strides in my life that I've ever made were when I didn't feel adequate but just pretended until I could finally get to a place where it was a real feeling. I feel pretty certain that I will be "faking it" at my interview next week. Then again, I wonder if just about everyone is the same as me in that kind of situation.
Sometimes I feel like other people have it much easier than I do. I see some people who find it easy to "network," when I just pretend to find it easy. I've learned a lot from these people, I've modeled behavior after them, which is how I learned to appear at ease. Still, I wonder how they can do it. How they can be so self-assured that they don't stumble over words and make great impressions on people? I even stumble with my words sometimes with people I consider to be my good friends.
I've made GREAT (read: ginormous) strides over the years with my social anxiety and self-confidence, but these little bits that still exist really irk me. I want to grow out of them so badly but most of my waking hours I don't even want to acknowledge they exist. THEY DO- they exist in my sometimes lack of clarity in speech and now sometimes I start feeling uncomfortable in conversation. I KNOW THEY EXIST because I get frustrated when people point them out.
OK- so another thing for me to work on in the next week before my interview. In exactly a week from now, I will be in San Francisco and HOPEFULLY sleeping as I will have that interview the very next morning. This is perhaps the most important thing I can do for this interview and for my life. This week I resolve to try to work through my remaining social anxiety. As always, I will accept strides towards improvement as it seems like all the good change so far as come in that form.
There was a topic change at some point, but it felt natural to me so I rolled with it. :)
I was thinking that I probably ought to go to sleep instead of typing this up. My sleep schedule has been awful, but then again, going to bed earlier hasn't seemed to help. Plus if the motivation behind everyday blog entries was to get myself INTO writing again, then if I have a time that I WANT to write a blog, I should definitely do that.
I don't know why, but for some reason tonight I am suddenly feeling kind of melancholy. I am not feeling bad about myself and my job hunting status per say, but I was thinking about how this time has been for me.
I think the worst thing about job hunting is the lack of accomplishment. Sure, getting an application turned in and even an interview now and then are accomplishments, but there is not a lot to actually feel good about. It's a thankless job. It is so hard to try to "sell yourself," your "great" personality, work ethic, and everything you have to offer an employer when there are no reminders that those things are all true except for the ones you have to constantly feed yourself to get through the cover letters and resumes. How do you, after months of nothing much more than self-assurance, go up in front of an interviewer and behave like a champion?
"Fake it till you make it" seems to have been my philosophy so far. Some of the greatest strides in my life that I've ever made were when I didn't feel adequate but just pretended until I could finally get to a place where it was a real feeling. I feel pretty certain that I will be "faking it" at my interview next week. Then again, I wonder if just about everyone is the same as me in that kind of situation.
Sometimes I feel like other people have it much easier than I do. I see some people who find it easy to "network," when I just pretend to find it easy. I've learned a lot from these people, I've modeled behavior after them, which is how I learned to appear at ease. Still, I wonder how they can do it. How they can be so self-assured that they don't stumble over words and make great impressions on people? I even stumble with my words sometimes with people I consider to be my good friends.
I've made GREAT (read: ginormous) strides over the years with my social anxiety and self-confidence, but these little bits that still exist really irk me. I want to grow out of them so badly but most of my waking hours I don't even want to acknowledge they exist. THEY DO- they exist in my sometimes lack of clarity in speech and now sometimes I start feeling uncomfortable in conversation. I KNOW THEY EXIST because I get frustrated when people point them out.
OK- so another thing for me to work on in the next week before my interview. In exactly a week from now, I will be in San Francisco and HOPEFULLY sleeping as I will have that interview the very next morning. This is perhaps the most important thing I can do for this interview and for my life. This week I resolve to try to work through my remaining social anxiety. As always, I will accept strides towards improvement as it seems like all the good change so far as come in that form.
There was a topic change at some point, but it felt natural to me so I rolled with it. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)