I almost feel like I shouldn't even be blogging right now. It's late and I should get to sleep. But I kind of felt like blogging, so I figured that I shouldn't keep myself from doing so when I actually think I might get around to it.
I am halfway through grad school. Actually, I'm MORE than halfway through grad school. I've completed 36 of the 60 required credits for my program. I can't believe that for my last two semesters, I only have to take 12 credits! That's the bare minimum to be full time and I've never EVER had so few classes before. I'm kind of glad about this because I had a terrible semester health-wise in which I spent the entire time so frustrated with myself that I kept time and time again having to fall short of my own expectations of myself. It's a little too soon to tell, but I am hoping that through that awful experience, I've learned to be more patient with myself. I like setting high goals and standards for myself, but perhaps now I can learn to become more lenient when the circumstances aren't quite in favor.
For my last 12 credits, in the spring semester of 2012, I was accepted into a program in which I will do an internship from February to late July. Actually, I wasn't accepted into this program initially, but I got in after I made an appointment with the coordinator and worked out a misunderstanding.
It's good to be able to fight for what you believe you deserve and a big starting point with that is to know what you deserve.
I think I've come a long way in that regard. I have a much better idea of what I deserve and what I am capable of than I have ever had.
When I was younger, I've always had people telling me that I didn't deserve things that I had accomplished. When I got the role of Becky in the school play, Tom Sawyer, in 5th grade, a classmate approached me and said "I can't believe you got the part of Becky." To that, I replied, "Talk to Ms. Moncrief (the director) about that." When I was the 6th grade basketball team that my dad co-coached, he decided that I deserved the "Most Coachable" award. He told me later that he and the other coach considered the possibility that another kid might say I only got the award because my father was the coach. He told me that I earned it, so it would be wrong for me not to get it, and not to listen. It was a good thing he told me that because some kids actually DID do actually that. On top of that, being a younger sibling tended to leave me feeling smaller, sometimes invisible, and I was often picked on. These kinds of things greatly altered my perception of myself for a long time and it's been a tough thing to overcome.
If I were still like that, I don't know if I would have met with someone to discuss acceptance into a program I was rejected from because I don't think that I would have taken the chance to apply in the first place. Applying for things has been getting much easier and every time it feels a lot less like I am forcing myself onto a limb.
I always talk about my standard for myself and how high they are. I forget to talk about how flexible they can be. When I apply for something, I don't think about how it must be so much easier for others to do so, I think "Wow, I've come a long way to bring myself to be able to do this!"
I don't tell people this at all, but in spite of everything, I can honesty say that I am really proud of myself. Yes, I do sometimes feel very weak in comparison to people who seem to have it all so easy- those super type A people who seem to be able to always do so much and are so great at everything they do. I want so bad to be one of those people, but at the same time I acknowledge the fact that it wasn't an easy task for me to get to where I am now. I'm at a point where I can do what they do with just a bit of aggressive pushing and a little boost of confidence. Who ever saw that coming?
Wow, I wrote so much but I haven't gotten to what my title is about.
I feel like I am returning to this blog of 3 years ago when my mom upgraded her place and then I moved to Japan- resulting in three moves that summer. I am putting most of my stuff in storage here in Monterey and moving back to her place during the summer so that I can save a little rent money and be closer to where my internship is (in the San Jose area). At some point, I am going to arrange a new place here in Monterey and move back for the new semester.
My classes for next semester are promising and I'm excited to think about things I can do for my summer internship. Not to mention I am sure my semester long internship in Spring 2012 will be really great, too. I feel like everything is coming together and making the shape of a specific goal.
When I was younger, the future used to intimidate me, but now it doesn't scare me at all.
I am SO excited about what's to come.
