I actually got up to type this. I don't usually do that- usually if I have something I really want to write in the middle of the night, I'd just use a notebook or something.
Just now, I was going to apologize for my lack of cheerful blogs lately, but then I realized that I shouldn't. This is my blog and I write it for myself and perhaps even in a sort of attempt to reach out to other people in a way I can't bring myself to in real life.
So I should apologize for what I post, right?
....Right?
With April and the JET results coming up, I've been mentally preparing myself for defeat.
I know it's just me being negative, but I'm so afraid that I might fail.
I've failed at something before, but I was able to cover it up and go on with my life- no one even thought to ask me about it so I never really had to admit to it until I was ready.
And -that- took about four years.
So many people know about the JET thing. And so many people expressed so much confidence in that I will get in.
How can I talk to those people if I don't?
I will be less to them than they see me now. Down to how I see myself?
Am I really who I want to be or am I just managing to fool people into believing that I am?
People can say such grand things about me sometimes. It's so weird. I wonder how they could have possibly come to that conclusion. I don't see myself in the way that they seem to at all.
In fact, I don't see myself at all. So how can I possibly be all that people say?
I blogged about this some time ago on MySpace, I had a dream that I was at my own memorial service and people were talking about me. I was very surprised at what they said. At first (when I posted that blog), I believed that I was someone who didn't know me very well. Now I think that I was actually really myself.
I somehow became afraid of speaking Japanese. I wasn't always, though. Sometime in the year that I had to stop taking Japanese, I somehow began becoming worried that I would make mistakes. I'm still like that. But I'm a Japanese major and I'm graduating, so from here on I'm going to try to overcome this.
I mean, I'm worried about making mistakes, right? I'm making an even worse mistake by not opening my mouth. Even speaking in my native tongue I constantly worry if what I am saying is correct, or if it's boring, or if my voice is annoying. I know that it's very possibly completely incorrect and I need to get past this. I should not hesitate to speak Japanese.
I should not hesitate to speak Japanese. I should not hesitate to speak Japanese. I should not hesitate to speak Japanese. I should not hesitate to speak Japanese. I should not hesitate to speak Japanese.
But I feel like I still will hesitate.
It's funny, though, when I'm in a situation where I am just trying to communicate and not worrying about correctness (like when I was talking to my host mom last summer,) I spoke all of the time and I really enjoyed it.
But yeah, I should be getting to sleep soon.
It's just that I don't know what do believe anymore. Am I an insane person who wishes she were a superheroine and sets limits that are way too beyond herself? Am I some kind of superheroine who has every super power there is except for the ability to see herself? Does the way people describe me mean that they know me better or worse than I do?
One of these is a correct statement:
I hope I managed to fool the JET interview people.
I hope I portrayed my competence well enough for the JET interview people.
I hope the correct one isn't the one that I really believe is.
Me = competence doesn't really ring a bell to me.
G'night
1 comment:
No need to apologize for what you post. It's your blog, you have right to say whatever you want.
I understand how you don't see yourself how other people see you. I have the same problem with that. But it's not where you're either or in the situation. You're a combination of both. I think people can see you as you can't see yourself, but then you see you how others don't. So perhaps they're both right.
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