Opening up?

It's always been very difficult (if not impossible) for me to talk about the things that are really really close to my heart. When I do, I often either make them sound less important than they really are or exaggerate humorously. If it's something I'm really passionate about, I don't like people knowing it. I don't like letting people know what's really important for me because I feel like that gives them the power to destroy it.

But they don't have to have this power. I keep reminding myself of this. If I hold true to what I want and believe in, it won't matter what other people say or do.

Once I start grad school, something I'm very passionate about will be out there in the open. Even now, talking about grad school with everyone I know, I end up opening the door just a crack or a little more letting people know what I want to do... but still very rarely why or how much.

If I am going to be who I want to be, I am going to have to pull that door open and let anyone who would listen know what I am really about.

But these things aren't easy. I feel the door opening gradually at a speed that I can almost call comfortable.

...............

My name is Julia and I will be starting to work on my Masters degree in the fall. I will be entering the International Policy Studies Program at Monterey Institute of International Studies with a concentration on International Conflict Resolution. If time and money permit it, I also want to work towards getting a certificate for Nonproliferation Studies. I want to do this because I dislike the idea of innocent people losing their lives and having to live feeling that they are unsafe. I want to make the world just a little bit safer. I'm especially interested in nonproliferation studies because I've visited Hiroshima and decided that I never want to see that happen again to anyone in the world in my lifetime. I don't need to be an important or well known person, but I just want to make a difference.

Still, beyond this, there is so much I want to do. I think that getting into JET gave me a little taste of what it feels like to really succeed and I am not sure when exactly I will stop wanting more.

.................

Hmm... well, that wasn't much but it's a start.

Because it is so difficult for me to open up to others about what's really important to me, you can imagine how hard it was to up the courage to even apply for this grad school program.

It's all going to be worth it.

I just it's ridiculous that I got over such a barrier and now suddenly I'm constantly obsessing over something as ridiculous as money.

Oh well, MIIS will happen even if I have to get (a) loan(s).

(this blog kind of deteriorated....)