Phrases like "a million and ten" are my silly, somewhat dramatized way of saying "a lot." People who are more inclined towards numbers might be confused by that or annoyed finding it to be an exaggeration, but I am personally not so inclined so it works for me.
A million and ten works for me because, as I am not very good with numbers, it's more than I can picture. Like if someone mentioned a stadium full of a million people and then another person mentioned a stadium full of a billion people, I can't really picture the difference in number of people in my head. I understand that there are a lot of people, so many that I can't possibly keep track of every one of them. There could really be any number and there's really no way of counting.
I decided today there there are a million and ten things that I would kill to be okay with. But instead, there is something inside of me putting it's foot down, refusing to cooperate, and making my efforts futile. Not just me, though, I think most everyone probably has their a million and ten things. Things that you might be able to shrug off in front of people, but inwardly it's the last thing you really want to be dealing with.
I guess I'll go into an example of one of mine.
From what I've been hearing people say lately, I don't think they understand how hard it is for me to be moving to another country. It hasn't been easy for me at all to think about leaving my family, friends, and this area I've grown up in, even if it's just a for a few years and most definitely not forever. Some people seem to be kind of focused on the situation on their end of me leaving. Do they realize that I not only share their feeling about leaving not just them, but so many others?
I would love to be completely okay with the concept of leaving this country and the people in it, but it's completely impossible. I can't feel okay about it. If I gave anyone the impression that I expect it to be easy or I'm having an easy time with it, I should seriously go back to theater.
I'm definitely not saying that I'm going to give up JET for the world (well, maybe I would for the world...) I'm definitely going. I just wish that people could recognize how hard it is. I've never been good with good byes and it makes me really sad just to think about having so many so soon.
Japan is going to be amazing. But I'm going there because I want to be there, not necessarily because I don't want to be here (well, I'd move out of my mom's house either way. :) )
Anyway, that's something that's been weighing on me. Not consistently because I've been trying not to think about it.
If anyone who reads this wants to do their own 1,000,010 things they want to be okay with blog, I'd like to see it. :)
2 comments:
It's hard now, with having to leave, but it won't hurt so much when you're over there, having a blast in Japan. Don't worry, I'm not dwelling on how hard it will be for me when you leave. I'm excited for you. And I totally want to visit you.
When I left for England, I was so ready to go and leave everyone behind. And then when I came back, I didn't want to leave. But in truth, I cried when I left my mom in the airport.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to be upset, but don't focus on it. It'll just make the time you have before you leave more stressful than it should be.
I think we all realize how hard it'll be for you, we just haven't been communicating that to you. It's alot more natural for me to say, "I'm going to miss you" instead of "you're going to miss me!"
I know it'll be hard, but I know you'll get through it easily and like bethany said, you're going to have a blast. You've wanted this for the longest time.
Arpee and I will pray that you get accustomed nice and fast. You are going to have a great time.
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