This spring...

I could totally be a morning person all of the time if I was just better at sleeping.

I LOVE waking up in the morning feeling refreshed. Then opening up my eyes and seeing the sunlight shining through the window, then glancing at a clock and finding that there are still a few morning hours left to make good use of.

Today was one of those days.

I set my alarm earlier than usual for my eye doctor's appointment and actually woke up before it went off.

I should mention that it's a lot easier to wake up in the morning now that it's a little warmer out. We've been having some sun each day until around 4 when the fog rolls into Seaside/Fort Ord. I've gotten out of the habit of wearing my big brown ("Eskimo") jacket and I've been wearing my hooded brown zip up sweater all of the time- even after the fog rolls in. I'm used to that chill, so it doesn't really bother me if I have a sweater.

I don't know if it's "officially" spring yet (the people who made my calendar didn't put that on there- it's pretty much the only way I ever know), but acacias are in bloom everywhere which announces spring in my book, anyway.

There's an acacia tree outside of my house right by my room. It's so bright that the sun reflecting off it can be blinding (of course, I'm very sensitive to light these days because of eye issues).

Those of you who read my blogs last year (all two of you) know that I used to dread that plant. I'm kind of allergic to it. I used to always get all plugged up and sneeze when that tree would bloom.

But at the same time I've always liked it. I think it's neat how all of the yellow flowers seem to bloom at the exact same time in Prunedale, Monterey, and pretty much everywhere in between.

This time last year I really appreciated CSUMB's lack of plant life.

This year, the Acacias are in bloom, but I'm not sneezing.

!!!!!

Allergy-wise, this is the best Spring I've had in a while.

So I went to the eye doctor again today. She decided that it's probably a viral eye infection and that those can take quite some time to cure. She gave me a prescription for steroid eye drops which will make my eyes feel better (and help my vision- which has been effected by the inflammation). Unfortunately, this will just make my eyes FEEL better, so it wouldn't be time for celebration and contacts. I'm looking at about three months more of this nonsense- hopefully not more than that.

I'm in capstone hell right now. It looks like I need to have it pretty much done next week. I went on a local library tour today in search for more books to help me with my topic- it was unsuccessful, but I kind of enjoyed the adventure.

Neatest building- Marina, although I think I just liked it because it appears to be new and it's not trashed yet. (Castroville was weirdly similar- which made me appreciate Marina less).
Best Japanese language book selection- Salinas Public Library (although it wasn't THAT impressive)
Best street name- Speegle St. (in Castroville)
Hardest library to find- Castroville
Easiest- Salinas- because I've been there about a hundred times as a kid.

I used to LOVE the library when I was younger. I used to pillage the kids section. (hehe)

It's funny that I keep wanting to type "post office" instead of "library."

Anyway, it was some good times.

Whine whine whine

Was my myspace blog like this? Constantly complaining? I don't know- I think I did more silly blogs there. Maybe because I took myspace (with it's cheesy ads and such) a lot less seriously than I take blogger.

Scratch that theory--- I've come close to doing some of my sillier kinds of blogs a few times lately, I just haven't been feeling up to it.

(Although it's probably true that I had a hard time taking MySpace seriously even when I was on it all of the time.

...but the idea of stating that I am 'serious' about blogspot is kind of funny too. It's a blog, Julia, calm down. Geeze. People can take these things way too seriously sometimes.)

Really, though, I don't like complaining or feeling like people think I'm complaining. Look, I -know- that probably over three quarters of the world's population have it sooooo much worse than me. I had friend growing up who always had it rough and whenever I would try to tell her something that was bothering me I'd always feel so selfish and stupid because my problems were always NOTHING compared to hers. I'm still like that. I compare myself to the world in terms of "suffering" and I know I have very little and then I feel stupid for ever making a deal of my problems in the first place.

I guess that's why I mostly keep things to myself. And blog.

Although sometimes I feel selfish and stupid when I blog, too.

Which is why I'm for some reason completely putting off what I originally intended to blog about.

Health problems. Nothing deadly, just a lot of nuisances. It could be a lot worse than it is. I compare myself to the world in terms of illness and I'm rather healthy. I should feel great about that. But instead still sometimes I get so frustrated with myself and my limits.

I'm like this anyway- I look at my achievements and what I do everyday and compare them to the world (as I see it anyway) and I feel like I feel so lazy and incompetent. Even though people CONSTANTLY tell me I'm the complete opposite I just can't bring myself to believe it.

I'm tired most of the time. Usually it's only until a few hours after I wake up that I actually feel refreshed. I try to get lots of sleep, but while other people can sleep when they're tired, I'm very used to being tired and not sleeping (because otherwise I wouldn't get much done.) I get "brain fog" sometimes that makes it kind of difficult for me to focus now and then- I can't control when that happens. I get drained in social situations with a lot of people and conversations and I start to retreat into my mind a little to recover- of course, when people mistake this for being bored and start giving me more attention it doesn't really help.

It is so frustrating.

I guess it's how I feel today.

I mentioned in a previous blog that there was going to be a change on Monday, but I didn't want to talk about it because there was still a chance I might fall flat on my face. Until now, I was prepared not to bring this up unless it was an insured victory.

But I'll talk about it anyway.

I'm trying to take up exercise again. It's really hard for me because of my "limits" and my previous attempts have been very discouraging. I took it easy today, but I'm bummed that, despite that, I'm still rather sore. Plus I'm really tired today too. But I don't plan on giving up this time on the exercising. I'm just going to take it easy... and maybe it'll end up decreasing my limits.

Ugh, I really don't like talking about health. I always feel like I make it sound a lot worse than it really is. Like today I'm feeling frustrated, but I'm not like this all of the time.

I lost my train of thought.

Brain fog??? Haha.

I should wrap this up.

I did end up getting a haircut and plucking my eyebrows. My mood is pretty much back to normal (today's... err.. whatever this is has no relation to last week's downtime.) I am actually feeling pretty cheerful and still (foolishly) optimistically looking forward to my eye doctor appointment on Friday and my MIRACLE CURE (.......I hope. :) )

Why now?/Improving my mood

Can I say again how much this eye this is bothering me??

It's driving me utterly insane.

So today I wore glasses as I have been pretty much all of the time lately.

Except for today was the capstone class and we kept having to look at things that were up on the overhead projector.

I'm not used to glasses anymore, so I really had to squint to try to make out the words and I wound up getting a horrible headache.

I wore contacts for ONE year because any of this happened. I started wearing them in October of 2006 and the redness began October of 2007. I had a year to get used to wearing contacts instead of glasses. A YEAR to stop being used to having my eyes strain to see things.

And now I'm finally understanding why I used to get so many headaches because they're back again.

I got out of the shower a little while ago, looked in the mirror and almost cried- my eyes are red again. I haven't even worn contacts since the JET interview.

Anyway, since last time I mentioned it here, I've got three new kinds of eye drops. One was actually a recent doctor prescription (from the day I got my blood drawn) and my mom brought home two more for me today.

I am SO. TIRED. OF. THIS!

Which brings me to the second part of my blog title.

Pretty much my mood overall hasn't been so great since the JET interview. I called it the interview hangover before, and there is still some truth to that- I was bringing myself up despite stuff going on because I wanted to be my best for the interview. So it makes sense just how much I crashed seemingly the very second I stepped out of the room.

My worst low, mood wise, not energy wise, was Wednesday before drew those pictures on the computer. It's true, they did help. I've been a lot more outwardly cheerful since then.

But I know I'm still in a slump.

Well, I've haven't been plucking my eyebrows and I've been deciding that I'm having a bad hair day every morning since Monday and then putting my hair up in a ponytail and ignoring it all day.

I know me. And I know what these signs mean.

No, not that I'm usually obsessed with how I look.

It means there's something going on in my head that I don't quite understand.

So, I'm trying to reverse these symptoms.

I bought something to eat for lunch at my favorite bakery today. I hadn't been there since before I transferred to CSUMB.

Tomorrow is some much needed eye brow plucking and a hair cut.

I simply have too much hair.

(I'm not implying anything dramatic here- just so you know.)

Hopefully I'll catch up a little more with schoolwork this weekend too.

Big change on Monday! I don't want to go too into it because then I'll have to explain myself if I land flat on my face, but yeah.

And I have an eye doctors appointment on Friday. I might just be overly optimistic and going to be totally let down- but I reeaaaallly hope that this time the great solution to my eye problem can be found.

That would make my look on life about 110 times better.

And it would be easier to see too.

:)

Zero to ten

Today started off pretty crappy. It was one of those days that if there was something to forget, it would be forgotten. My mood was just overall bad. Things that are usually small that I ignore were suddenly huge pains. I wish I had a good reason for this. I get like that sometimes- I have days in which I can get so emotionally distressed for no reason at all.

And usually on those days I just try to lay low and until I can sleep off the feeling at night.

Unfortunately today the feeling set in on my way to class. I was already forgetting things and rushing, but I thought that was fine because I was doing fine and sometimes I thrive on just a little bit of stress. But then, driving to campus today, I started thinking depressing thoughts- almost to the point that I started crying.

Then I knew it was one of those days.

My mom always tells me that I have control over how I feel, but on days like those I feel like I'm totally out of control of myself. That's probably the worst feeling of them all.

But today was different.

I went straight into my house and sat on my bed with the laptop (something I haven't done since I finally got a desk for it). My mom, predictably, came in wanting to probe my brain to find out what was wrong.

"Everything," I answered, "so absolutely nothing."

She looked confused for a while, then understood what I meant. I -know- that when I start feeling like everything is wrong, that I'm just having one of my crazy emotional days. So, when I feel like everything is wrong, it's really just my feeling at the moment about small things that don't usually even matter to me.

So she left me alone.

There was still dinner, so I knew I couldn't just give myself the space I wanted until it was time for bed. So I began "Operation: Cheer Self Up."

It started off in an unexpected way, I found that my webdrama had a new episode, so I checked it out. It was the first "blog" of one of the newer characters. I don't really like her too much yet, but she mentioned that she draws when she doesn't feel like herself.

I have the artistic skill of an uncoordinated chimpanzee, but I've always liked randomly drawing anyway.

So I opened up the paint program (nothing fancy) and just started drawing.


I wrote my name in the NEATEST way I've seen in my ENTIRE life- which made me kind of happy in itself, then I suddenly started drawing a weird cat next to my name. I thought it looked old. "Julia is an old cat" it says.

I laughed a little, I like being silly sometimes.

(What do you mean "sometimes?")

Then I continued more random drawing.



I honestly don't know what the deal is with that guy, but he's pretty cool. (lol)

Then I JUST randomly drew this-



I spent a good while staring at what I drew without even thinking about it, trying to figure out what exactly I ended up drawing. Then I colored----!



I like this. It isn't artistic or anything, it just cheered me up.

I'm not going to run around saying I'm an artist- like I said before "uncoordinated chimpanzee." I just had fun with it and thought I'd put it here. :)

Then I changed my desktop picture (NOT to any of the above pictures) and a couple of other things, then played this game I'm addicted to on facebook a little bit.

I felt SO MUCH better.

The real point is that I finally found other solutions than sleeping. I guess it IS true that I can control how I feel (although I do -still- think I require space during these times). I feel a lot stronger now. Wooo hooo!


P.s. When you spellcheck your comments, make sure to lamecheck them while you're at it. Thaaaaaaaanks. The management will not be responsible for comments that may come as a result to lame commenting. (I'm kind of expecting the mother of all annoying comments here.)

Catch cup

The title was supposed to be "Catch up", but I wrote "Catch cup" instead.

Boy that sounds wrong.

But I kept it anyway.

(haha)

So the days following the interview I didn't feel quite present. I was tired, sicky, emotionally crazed, and altogether OFF. I called it my "interview hangover."

But I'm pretty much out of that now.

Funny thing is that I don't remember much of the conversations I've had these past couple of days.

Anyway, I'm pretty much back now.

The interview went well, I think. Well, at first I thought it went not so good, but then people told me that you're supposed to feel like you didn't do very well. So now, I think it probably went pretty well after all.

So, continuing an ongoing "dilemma" from the previous blog, I'm still trying to one-up my current facebook pic.

So today I was trying again and I took a pretty interesting pic--



I call it my "Judy Garland" pic.

It boggles my mind.

But so did my current facebook pic (but differently).

Bethany and I can't decide if it's enough to match my current facebook default.



This pic is some fierce competition.

It's not fair. XP

So you know

I went to bed last night feeling touched by all of the encouragement people have been giving me.

I feel like I have the whole world supporting me.

Yeah, kind of silly sounding.

But I slept so well considering all of this! Usually between having to get up earlier and worrying about something I can't sleep at all. Even sleep was on my side!

Going to head out the door within the next 15 minutes if all goes according to plan.

Later.

Tomorrow

My JET interview is tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning I'm driving up to San Fran.

Waaaaay nervous.

I think I'll be okay, though.

Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement so far.

:D

Edit: Be sure to raid stores for Valentines day chocolates tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaay! I'm going to find energy to do that when I get back if my mom doesn't. WalMart isn't going to know what hit it.

Eep

I just can't believe that my JET interview is in just a few days.

*deep breaths*

My mind is about a million light years away from everything else. Like I'm barely processing that Thursday is Valentine's Day. Oh well, it's a dumb holiday, anyway.

I'm kind of bummed that I have to miss the fun of the REAL holiday- the day AFTER valentines day. Why? Lots of chocolate on sale. I won't be available to raid Wal-Mart.

Going to see if I can send my mom to one that day.

Bwhahahahaha!

My webdrama is back for it's 3rd season. :D

*siiiigh* It's wonderful.

Looooong day

I'm not the type of person who usually likes to discuss her day, well, in full. I think it's kind of silly. And boring. But I kind of want to remember the crazy hectic-ness and fatigue.

First, I had trouble getting to sleep, so I probably finally dozed off at 3 am or so.

I woke today at 8 to call doctor's office to see if I could go in today to talk to my doctor. I was surprised to hear that they actually had an appointment open at 8:50- I had expected that they wouldn't have any openings and that I could go back to sleep.
So I went and my mom tagged along so that the three of us could talk about all that has been ailing me.
After that, I went home and had the rest of my breakfast (I only felt like eating a banana before I left), then I brought my car for an oil change then went back to the doctor's so that they could draw blood from me for a few tests and get a vitamin B12 shot. Sadly, they couldn't take blood for one of the tests I'm requiring, so I was told I had to go to Salinas for that. I got my B12 and went to the car repair place to get my car.

-Surprisingly- the people weren't total assholes at the car repair place as they would usually be to me-- probably because I wasn't by myself.

Then I went back home and hung out there until 1:30- I drove to Salinas to try to get a passport-like photo of me required for the JET interview. Unfortunately, the place I was planning on getting that done at wouldn't do that today, so I moved on to getting my arm poked with the second needle of the day (the first was the B12, if you're counting.)

They ended up taking 8 vials of my blood. Ugggh, I really don't like the thought of my blood being taken from veins. *cringe*

I felt kind of lightheaded after that, so I bought a doughnut.

Then I drove to Marina and got my picture taken at Walgreens.

Then I had my hour long class.

Went home, laid in bed for a short while.

Broke up fighting cats outside.

Made dinner because my mom isn't feeling well.

Helped clean up afterwards, as usual.

Wrote a blog.

The sorting sort of people

You ever notice how much in media and advertisements when they show couples, both people usually appear to be of the same ethnic background and often even have similar hair colors?

I started noticing this kind of thing especially when my brother's wedding preparation was going on. My brother is Caucasian as I am and has brown hair. His wife is actually Armenian, so she has Middle Eastern features- along with dark curly hair. You know those bride and grooms figurines that go on top of wedding cakes? Well, here's pretty much the choices:

Groom- Blond, Bride- Blond
Groom- Darker hair, Bride- Darker hair
Groom- Darker hair, Bride- Blond
Groom and Bride- African American couple.
(maybe also an option where they both have brown hair)

See how limited that is?

Anyway, that's sort of what had me REALLY start noticing these things.

I've been watching TV a lot more lately (maybe because my web drama has been on break for two weeks since the season finale- it comes back tomorrow!). I've been noticing a lot of that similar trend especially in commercials. I recall a commercial for some dating site- pretty much ALL of the "matches" that were shown were of people the same skin and hair color. Yes, I mean blonds with blonds and brunettes with brunettes, even!

It goes beyond race- it's just ridiculous.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with being with someone who just happens to have similar traits as you- but it's really ODD to imply that people would seek that out specifically. It boggles my mind, personally.

Tired of the redness

That blog title is a bit late. I've been tired of my eyes turning red for a very long time now.

I woke up this morning and my eyes are red- especially my left one today (usually my right eye is the one that really acts up.) I didn't wear contacts since last time my eyes really acted up- so I have NO IDEA what the deal is here.

Just to ward off any annoying suggestions that might be coming my way from blog post: Since last October when this problem started, I've been on about 4 different kinds of eye drops, tried new allergy medicine, and talked to both an eye doctor and my regular physician about it. So don't give me suggestions unless you either a) had an identical problem and you know a really great cure; or b) You're a physician or an eye doctor. Other comments, of course, are welcome.

Wow- I'm crabby. Sorry, waking with my eye like this AGAIN put me in a really bad mood.

Going to go talk to an eye doctor again soon, it seems.

*sigh*

I was trimming my bangs today and little pieces of hair fell into my eye. It hurt sooooo bad. :(

/whining.

I did a really tired blog last night. I only saved it as a draft- maybe I'll put it up sometime, but I haven't really taken the time to look at it enough to decide whether I want to post it.

I really don't like to read what I write. Basically, this means that I fail to proofread most of the time. When I'm in writing classes and I have to proofread what I wrote, I seriously spend at least a half an hour moping about it at my computer before starting.

Sooo... that's enough for now.

My blogging has slowed in pace- it's still happening, just not necessarily everyday. It's not because I'm trying to slow down, or anything, but I'm glad because I know people sometimes have better things to do that to read my blog. (I know, hard to believe, right?)

Yawn.

(actually posted two months after it was actually written)

I'm way too tired right now.

I really can't justify this fatigue- I mean, many people I know have been getting way less sleep than I've been getting and doing a lot more. But, you know, it doesn't really make sense for me to try to explain it- it is as it is. I'm not going to suddenly become wide awake and alert just because I have no reason not to be.

Wow, I don't make much sense, do I?

It's funny- this evening I could swear I got into a conversation in my head with somebody. I mean, that's pretty normal for me- during times I don't blog so much, I find myself imagining conversations with people in my head (I know Sam can relate, because he does much of the same thing.) What was strange about it was that usually the conversations that I think of are mostly be talking (you know, like a blog), but this time it was me listening. And it was a lot more vivid than usual.

I pretty much got an apology that I never expected to get.

So, I know it wasn't real.

But apology accepted.

Wow, I'm really weird. And tired. Weird because I'm tired, probably.

I have Family Guy on TV right now.

I only really turn on the TV when I'm really tired and I need something to stare blankly at.

...so I don't write weird blogs to make people think I'm insane. *nods*

Maybe I don't say this enough (although I always thought I did)-

I really don't care for Family Guy. That show tries too hard to be funny, so it's lame. Yes, everyone- I am dissing Family Guy and I can because my fucking blog, people.

Why am I trying to blog right now?!

Hm. I'll keep going because this is kind of fun.

See, everyone, this is why I am not on AIM right now. How much random shit do you want to hear right now?

I'm rather content at the moment- I'm wearing one of my new pajama pants. Pajama pants make me oddly happy for some reason.

I choose weird reasons to like things anyway- like sometime last week or so, I was in the bathroom at WLC and I found that they put in a table. Just a few days before I was in there ranting to a complete stranger (I'm only quiet around people I know) about how wrong it is that a women's restroom would have to place to put things down in (because it's TRUE!). Anyway, I decided I loved my major because they put a table in the bathroom.

....Right...

What am I still doing here???????

I'm going to save this as a draft and possibly (not) post it later/sometime tomorrow.

Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Interview date!

Posting this right away because Krystina asked me to let her know when I find out the JET interview date so she could call me beforehand (awwwwwww! :D) Okay, so I'm going to text her too.

I certainly wouldn't mind getting a few calls before my interview.

Okay- so I just got an email telling me when my interview is-

Friday, February 15th at 1:50- but I need to show up a half an hour early.

Yaaaaay!

/my shortest blog in a while.

The best part about starting a new blog...

...is that I haven't run out of ideas for titles yet.

It was getting bad on the myspace blog.

Seriously, though, I like the feel of blogger a lot more than I did MySpace blogs. There's just so much spam and ads everywhere the minute you log onto MySpace. Facebook's getting pretty bad these days, too. Blogger has always been a more peaceful, less corrupted place.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty great today.

I'm in the CSUMB library- I remember blogging here in this building a lot during my first semester here when I have tons of time on campus, nowhere to go, and I didn't have my own laptop. I'm on my own laptop now, I just decided that I would just be taking up space if I decided to kill this much time at WLC.

I have an hour until class, after all.

My eyes are looking a lot better today. But I can't really know whether it's because I took the advice of several web pages and began putting black tea bags on my eyes each day or whether it's just because I haven't been wearing my contacts. Anyway, I decided that I'm going to be wearing glasses until ALL of the traces of unusual red are gone- there are still some around my eyes, especially the edges. This rule, of course, will be broken if the JET interview comes before my eyes can make a complete recovery.

Still, the whole eye situation = frustrating.

Actually, come to think of it, I was thinking before that when I would blog about the teabag on the eyes idea, I would call the blog "Black Tea Tears." Oh well, what can you do?

So the sun's been out more lately, it's been bringing up my spirits a lot.

Too bad my eyes are so sensitive to sunlight now.

:D

Yay for dream post!

(note irrelevant to this post- I got my interview clothes!!!)

It's been a while since I've been able to write about a dream- entirely because I haven't been remembering them very well lately.

It started off as the usual kind of distressing dream that I would have since... well, forever.

First I'd mess up on something-
In this dream I somehow forgot that I had a meeting with Sekine-sensei on Monday and missed it.

Then someone would get mad at me for some weird reason-
Last night's example was Ann being mad at me because I told her that there would probably be good sales today because it's Super Bowl Sunday and it turned out there weren't sales at all.

And finally someone I consider a friend admits to me that they really don't like me but put up with me to be nice. Here's sort of how that went:

We were in my car and I was driving. We were coming back from somewhere and there was other cars in a caravan with us. After this friend told me that they actually don't like me- we had a discussion kind of like this-

Friend: *saying what their plans are*
Me: And you'd rather me stay home in Prunedale.
Friend: Yes, I'd rather you stay in Prunedale.
Me: Fine. *pulls into parking lot where we would meet the others*

Then I was feeling very emotionally distressed while everyone had to claim all of the things that were left in my car before I could go off and be alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeeep, standard formula of one of my distressing dreams.

But this one had another strange element.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I was finally allowed to get in my car and take off. I was upset and decided I wanted to talk to my grandmother, so I drove to a hospital.

(it may be helpful for those of you who don't know that my grandmother's been dead for about 7 years now)

I drove into the parking lot and suddenly realized that it was something like 11-1 o'clock at night.

I walked up to the hospital door, it was open so I walked in. It was PITCH dark in there. Somehow, although I wasn't sure where her room was, I knew it wasn't on the first floor, so I looked for an elevator. I pushed a red button that I found, but realized afterward that it was probably a button someone's supposed to press when they're in dire need of assistance. I stood there for a while so that I could explain my mistake to whoever would come, but no one came so I moved on.

I found the elevator and pushed the button to go up. While waiting, I glanced down the hallway where I could barely see the form of someone walking towards me.

"Hello" I said in the friendliest tone I could muster because I was a little frightened that I couldn't really see this person at all.

The person walked hurriedly past behind me and I thought I saw them wave. I said some sort of comment about how you can't really see people wave in the pitch dark.

Then I saw the person lean over and whisper to someone they were walking with.

I thought it was curious because I only saw one person before.

Then I realized that since it was so late, my grandmother was probably already asleep. I decided to continue on my way to see her anyway, just to check in and see if she was alive.

Red eyes

I don't know if it was the cause, but I wore my contact just a little bit at the beginning of the week and a couple of hours yesterday. My eyes are RED today. MUCH more red than they would usually be if I just wore my contacts a little bit as I have been doing lately.

This is really irritating.

I am absolutely not going to go to my JET interview with my eyes like this.