Whoops

So much for the daily blog goal! I ended up skipping yesterday. I ended up going to Salinas with my mom and her husband to help them clean their rental property and get it ready for the next tenants. They do need the income from that and, although I am paying some money each month I stay here while job hunting, I do need to do things like this to make things more equitable between us.

After that, I was pretty exhausted and almost all of my favorite shows are on Thursdays now, so you know how that goes. (haha) Yesterday was my first headache free day in a while and today seems to be going well so far.

Right now I have to get myself motivated to keep applying for jobs. I almost want to just focus on the upcoming interview, but I know that if I want to move on with things in my life that I need to stop myself from putting all of my hopes and energy into just one opportunity.

Goal- two applications done and emailed by the end of today.

Restless and overheated

Don't you just hate it when you wake up in the middle of the night and you're suddenly stressing out over things that you can't even really understand? It's like your brain wants to stress so much that it can't even bother figure out what it is stressing about; instead you have all these rambling thoughts that make no sense flying through your conscious as if they were things of actual importance. Once you get back to sleep or wake up more,  you won't even remember what those things were.

I had that at 4 am this morning. It seems to happen to me a lot these days. I think it's a side effect to not having a real routine or solid deadlines to worry about. I know that I tend to thrive on stress in a way (at least until the point that I get overwhelmed, but I can handle a lot. The idea that my mind seems to need it to an extent is interesting. It's like my brain is restless and bored without it.

Part of what's been screwing with my head lately has also been the heat. We've had record high temperatures in the area during the past few days. I think high temperatures in places that are acclimated to it is fine because there are air conditioners everywhere, but it's much more difficult to escape the heat here. My mom and I think we have an allergy to the heat because we both tend to get itchy and rashes when we sweat a lot. I've also been having a lot of headaches and congestion.

Anyway, I just got back from walking the dog and there's a nice breeze now. I guess we finally have the "cool off" that the weatherman on TV has been promising. Now that I am feeling better, I can start refocusing my energies on applications and preparing for my upcoming interview. 

Job hunt, other fun stuff

What better reason is there to jump back into blogging than necessity?
Necessity? I'll go into that part later.
I just checked my blog to see when I've last posted here. A year ago yesterday. I guess there is a lot of catching up to do. I graduated with my Masters degree last May and started the job hunt. Despite my optimism/denial that told me that somehow I would be immune to the problems finding jobs that everyone else runs into, after four months of applying I am still unemployed.
Four months has been the longest I've gone without a school or job to go to and it has been a very stressful experience. It is very discouraging to write cover letter after cover letter with no response.
I keep having to remind myself to have fun. I've done a bit of traveling just around the state- the Bay Area, Sonora, San Diego, and Fresno. Those trips have helped me stay sane.
I have a bit of guilt whenever I go too long without applying to anything, though.
 So now we're in the present. I actually have a job interview coming up! It will be my first one since graduating. Since it's not until the 19th, I have lots of time to prepare. There will be a writing test before the interview.
The writing test worries me a little. As you might be able to tell by the lack of updates on the blog, I haven't been feeling like much of a writer lately. In a way, I feel like I've lost the ability to express myself in words somehow. I've really wanted to get it back for some time now, so now that I have an upcoming test and possibly a job that requires writing skill, it is time to try to get this ability back. So here I am back on the blog and I plan to write a blog entry every day at least until the interview.
Here goes nothing! 

Looking ahead

Two more semesters left of school. 12 more credits this semester and the next and I will have a masters degree. I feel like time has gone by so fast and there is no way it's going to get any slower anytime soon.

So much to think about these days. I know I need to find a part time (preferably work study) job, but I can't help but be much more concerned with what's coming post-MIIS graduation instead. Where should I look for a job? Can I stay on the West coast? Will I have the luxury of picking where at all? Would I be able to get a job that is enough for me to make my monthly student loan payments?

...and there's also that impulse that kind of wants to look into Halloween costumes. *cringe*

I have been dedicating a lot of time to extra-curriculars hoping to really give my resume a boost. I joined the STOP Anti-Human trafficking club and I am being more active in the Conflict Resolution Association club. I am also on the core team to put together a Conflict Resolution conference for spring semester. I am also considering contacting the Monterey College of Law and see if they still want me to do volunteer small claims mediation at the county court. I'm hoping that doing all of these things will make up for the fact that I've pretty much decided against doing the internship program for my last 12 credits.

In other news, I LOVE my new apartment. I'll admit that it is one of the reasons I decided to stay in the area for this year. I am really close to school, Trader Joe's Walgreens, and the weekly farmer's market, so there is really no urgent need to drive anywhere. I also really like living with my friend Tina and having a place where I can have friends over. Last Wednesday, I hosted a pizza night/study group for some people in one of my classes and on Thursday, Tina and I hosted wine night once again. I wouldn't do any of these things at my old place! I am also making friends with the next door neighbors and there's a cute but kinda creepy cat on my street that always stares at me when I walk by. I am actually kind of disappointed when it's not there.

Times are crazy (but kind of awesome) and I was too distracted while writing this blog to remember what else I was going to say.

Effort

I realized something recently. This is something that's really irked for a long time and I wasn't always conscious of it- effort is a VERY important thing to me. I get very put off by people who can't be bothered to figure things out, don't try to make a good impression, or try to work towards what they want. Some people can't even bother to use their own brain and common sense!

I have so much difficulty with these people because I am -always- trying. I don't live life half assed. I do things that aren't necessarily in my comfort zone. I put out a lot of effort everyday for the sake of other people. I have days when I am relaxed, but I don't glorify it like laziness is the greatest thing on Earth.

Call it crazy, but I just don't like to be inefficient, unimaginative, unhelpful, unmotivated, and unwilling to try new things!

These are the things you become when you are a person who does not TRY!

Sleep?

It's almost 3:30 am and sleep just isn't coming. My body keeps overheating although I've already retrieved an ice pack from the freezer and my brain just won't shut up. I haven't brought an ice pack to bed with me since summer in Japan.

Blame it on the somewhat tense situation of the past evening and the ill feeling it put in my stomach, but I just keep thinking about times long gone. I keep thinking about facebook messages I could write to people from the past and then I have to stop and wonder why I would ever want to. These people are out of my life and nothing would come from me spilling my thoughts and experiences to them. No harm, but also no point.

Don't you just hate it when your brain is tired, but still very restless? You find yourself thinking about and getting depressed about events and things that you've already moved on from ages ago. You lose sleep and end up tired all the following day when you're trying to be productive and actually get things done.

I'm fine, I'm just hoping that forcing myself to blog from this tiny cell phone keyboard will be enough to tire my brain out to let me sleep. I am struggling to think of a topic, but just before picking up the phone, my brain had absolutely NO trouble thinking of unimportant things to fuss over. Let's hope it doesn't find inspiration again once I post this.

Here's a question that I think about sometimes- Am I an inflexible perfectionist in all aspects or are other people settling for too little?

It's 3:45... can I sleep yet?

Reactivate Migratory Mode!

I almost feel like I shouldn't even be blogging right now. It's late and I should get to sleep. But I kind of felt like blogging, so I figured that I shouldn't keep myself from doing so when I actually think I might get around to it.

I am halfway through grad school. Actually, I'm MORE than halfway through grad school. I've completed 36 of the 60 required credits for my program. I can't believe that for my last two semesters, I only have to take 12 credits! That's the bare minimum to be full time and I've never EVER had so few classes before. I'm kind of glad about this because I had a terrible semester health-wise in which I spent the entire time so frustrated with myself that I kept time and time again having to fall short of my own expectations of myself. It's a little too soon to tell, but I am hoping that through that awful experience, I've learned to be more patient with myself. I like setting high goals and standards for myself, but perhaps now I can learn to become more lenient when the circumstances aren't quite in favor.

For my last 12 credits, in the spring semester of 2012, I was accepted into a program in which I will do an internship from February to late July. Actually, I wasn't accepted into this program initially, but I got in after I made an appointment with the coordinator and worked out a misunderstanding.

It's good to be able to fight for what you believe you deserve and a big starting point with that is to know what you deserve.

I think I've come a long way in that regard. I have a much better idea of what I deserve and what I am capable of than I have ever had.

When I was younger, I've always had people telling me that I didn't deserve things that I had accomplished. When I got the role of Becky in the school play, Tom Sawyer, in 5th grade, a classmate approached me and said "I can't believe you got the part of Becky." To that, I replied, "Talk to Ms. Moncrief (the director) about that." When I was the 6th grade basketball team that my dad co-coached, he decided that I deserved the "Most Coachable" award. He told me later that he and the other coach considered the possibility that another kid might say I only got the award because my father was the coach. He told me that I earned it, so it would be wrong for me not to get it, and not to listen. It was a good thing he told me that because some kids actually DID do actually that. On top of that, being a younger sibling tended to leave me feeling smaller, sometimes invisible, and I was often picked on. These kinds of things greatly altered my perception of myself for a long time and it's been a tough thing to overcome.

If I were still like that, I don't know if I would have met with someone to discuss acceptance into a program I was rejected from because I don't think that I would have taken the chance to apply in the first place. Applying for things has been getting much easier and every time it feels a lot less like I am forcing myself onto a limb.

I always talk about my standard for myself and how high they are. I forget to talk about how flexible they can be. When I apply for something, I don't think about how it must be so much easier for others to do so, I think "Wow, I've come a long way to bring myself to be able to do this!"

I don't tell people this at all, but in spite of everything, I can honesty say that I am really proud of myself. Yes, I do sometimes feel very weak in comparison to people who seem to have it all so easy- those super type A people who seem to be able to always do so much and are so great at everything they do. I want so bad to be one of those people, but at the same time I acknowledge the fact that it wasn't an easy task for me to get to where I am now. I'm at a point where I can do what they do with just a bit of aggressive pushing and a little boost of confidence. Who ever saw that coming?

Wow, I wrote so much but I haven't gotten to what my title is about.

I feel like I am returning to this blog of 3 years ago when my mom upgraded her place and then I moved to Japan- resulting in three moves that summer. I am putting most of my stuff in storage here in Monterey and moving back to her place during the summer so that I can save a little rent money and be closer to where my internship is (in the San Jose area). At some point, I am going to arrange a new place here in Monterey and move back for the new semester.

My classes for next semester are promising and I'm excited to think about things I can do for my summer internship. Not to mention I am sure my semester long internship in Spring 2012 will be really great, too. I feel like everything is coming together and making the shape of a specific goal.


When I was younger, the future used to intimidate me, but now it doesn't scare me at all.

I am SO excited about what's to come.